I went out last night with some friends. There were seven of us and I was sitting in that middle spot where depending on which direction I was facing I could be included in any conversation. At one point I turned and one girl who’s studying psychology was being asked to analyze the other two. The two girls were both surprised and not surprised by what was said. Mostly they talked about how each of the girls expresses their emotions so others know their feelings. Could they hide their emotions? Where the shown emotions really what that person really felt? I sat there thinking how well they could read me? I mean they didn’t really know me. But then, does that make a difference at all?
I used to think I could hide my emotions well but I don’t think that is the case anymore for the good or the bad, mostly for the good though.
This past Sunday, I was at church and I ran into the leader of the small group I was a part of in Derry. I think, naturally, he’s a good people person and has a sense of others needs. In a conversation that lasted less than two minutes, he paused and said something along the lines of how much he could see that my whole being was happier and more peaceful —my step, my smile, my face. I was a bit stunned that he could see it so quickly.
Today, I was in a tutorial, and my lecturer was asking me about how I was finally settling. He was aware that I had to move from Derry to Coleraine because of the unfortunate circumstance. Of course I replied that I feel so much more productive and clear of mind now that I’m in a better environment. He too commented on how in just a few weeks’ time he can see an overall difference in me— my responses, my attention, and my drive for my work.
As I am thinking over these two reactions, and the conversation last night, I realized that emotional expression is not just a show in our faces or our words, but our whole demeanor. It’s in our posture, our stride, and our eyes. It’s in how we react, how we chose to live.
Shortly before I left for Northern Ireland, I was at a party. I was rambling about something and a friend stopped me and commented with a look of excitement, that I looked so awake. Awake? “Yes, awake. Awake to the world around you, to life, to joy- like you’ve been given a heightened awareness of everything and your ready to take it on.”
What he didn’t know was how the word awake has been my one word that I’ve been focusing on and praying over since January. It’s a word that I have chosen to transform my life in 2011. So hearing him say that was truly an amazing compliment. In fact, what each of these people have said is really impacting.
I was really frustrated when I first arrived in Northern Ireland because I was feeling so upset all of the time and I didn’t want that to be what people recognized in me. I was new and I wanted to leave a better first impression. But based on the comments of the first two people mentioned, and several others, they did see it. Thank goodness they did because it has brought me in to a deeper community of people. They got to see me for who I was, who I am. I didn’t pretend and now I still don’t- and they still accept me.
I used to hide my emotion, both the bad emotions as well as the good. Now I am happy people see it. I don’t think that people have to know you to be able to read you. In fact, I want to know that there is a difference in my life that is noticeable to those who I’ve just met.
Yeah, sometimes the emotions can cause embarrassment, or heartbreak—I’ve dealt with that and will again—but it also allows healing and growth (and in my case, some blushing). Yet, it can help others feel needed and a part of someone’s life. It allows me to accept my vulnerability (the loads and loads of it). When I am giddy, I want to share it with others. When I am sorrowful, I want to share it. I want to be able to share in others joy and in their battles. If I can’t share my feelings openly, why would I expect others to do the same?
Frankly, there are a lot of times, especially recently, where my emotions were noticeable to other people before they even were to me. By grace, I’m learning to accept that, and take it for what it is, because often it’s led me to a better place. If we hide from our emotions it’s living in fear of who we are. I’m trying to embrace an idea of fearless living, and I’m not going to be afraid of my emotions.
No comments:
Post a Comment