When we think dreams die and desires disappear - part 4

It was such a busy week and in so many ways I wanted to write this blog instead of do my work. The thoughts that are going to be spilling out have been really overwhelming to me this week.  In so many ways I don't want to write this blog either. The thoughts that are going to be spilling out are sometimes some of the most painful I have.

10 days ago I wrote: "At that small group, immediately I began thinking of desires I had once had and had shelved because they seemed to crazy, or too unattainable, but none-the-less things I deeply longed for, or still long for. And in these last couple of week I've realized that there is many things I've forgotten about, and/or intentionally abandoned that God's not finished with yet. It's time to get vulnerable again in the coming posts. I'm going to explore school, location, love and maybe more. Keep watching and reading and praying."

So if you've kept track you should know that this post, based on that list, is about love.

This is where I see my situation. In my hands I once held this amazing box that was brilliantly colored and shiny. All I wanted to do was open it but it wasn't the time, so it went on a shelf for safekeeping. I'd see it everyday but I'd know it wasn't the time for opening it. It would move shelves for a higher place of honor. It deserved more respect.  A couple of times, the world would get shaken, and the box started to fall off the shelf and I'd catch it. In these times I'd think that maybe since it was falling, I should just open it. What would it hurt? I started to pull back the corner but then realized, no it's not time. After a couple of times of it falling it went back on a shelf, but this time it was a shelf where I wouldn't have to see it. That didn't work. I knew the brilliant box was on that hidden shelf. So I brought it out and put it on a visible shelf and I told people it was there, but that I needed them to keep me from it. I needed them to guide me, and pray for me that when it was time to open the box I would really be ready. The shiny box was on the highest shelf of honor. It wasn't forgotten, but I had peace that it was there. I was finally ok that it had sat on the shelf unopened for so many years.

Then I came home one day and the box wasn't on the shelf any more. My Abba had taken it down and set it on the table with a note. "Katie, it's coming time to open this soon. Keep waiting on me though, ok. Love you!" My Abba had told many people too that He'd taken it down and it was almost time. He told them to pray for me, to encourage me, to knock sense into me. I was excited that the box had come down. I was excited that people knew it had too. But I still haven't been able to open it.

The metaphorical box is a romantic relationship, but it's more than dating. I've known it is more than just dating, it's marriage and I've known it for a while. God's told me that many times over the last year and I wrote about those experiences before.

Like I said, I had peace that box was on the shelf. I found myself at peace with my singleness for the most part.

Now I walk in anticipation that has it's highs and lows. Others are walking in anticipation with me. Sometimes there is peace, sometimes not. My Abba had told lots of people (approximately 40), that he's been working on someone for me. I get emails and phone calls asking what's happening in my love life.  I've been very encouraged by it and I suppose I also feel pressure. The other desires that I've written about last week, were all things that would be nice-to-have things, but seemed perhaps unrealistic. This is a far more realistic desire. It's a desire that cuts into my heart far deeper than any of the others and one that I didn't want to expose.

I've written all of these posts about desires that God is working on and I've had great excitement in them. I mean, gosh, I wrote 4 posts in 4 days! My love life is a topic I added to the list in part one of this series, because I knew I could not write about desires without this being part of it.

In the last few weeks I sense that a shift has begun in my love life. What direction that shift is taking... hahahaha? Ya, I don't know for sure, but I feel like the symphony is about to begin. God has really spoken to me about the identifying qualities of the person through prayer, through dreams, through other people. Every bit brings the puzzle into more clarity. Constant doubt fills me and nags at me. But constant joy, strength and reassurance also comes flooding in.

Journaling has always been a big thing for me. I have pages and pages filled with names and dates, times and places, dreams and sermons that God has used specifically to tell me that he's preparing me for more than just dating. When I have doubts that this dream of marriage is ever going to happen, God gives me another event to add to that journal. One of my favorites was on a Wednesday night shortly before I left Arizona. I had been asked about my current happenings with my love life and I was a bit discouraged. When I got in my car I heard a song by Kristian Stanfill called "Always". The chorus of the song says, "Oh my God he will not delay. My refuge and strength always. I will not fear. His promise is true, My God will come through always... I lift my eyes up. My help comes from the Lord." Hearing the song I knew God was speaking and he said to lift my eyes. When I did, literally, the car ahead of me read "SPEEDY_____" on the license plate (there was a name in the blank).

I've spoken to several people about what relationships look like here in Coleraine, and it's a different thing than home. Coleraine is a really small place, and everyone is aware to some degree of social engagements. You can't walk into any restaurant or coffee shop with out seeing a familiar face. So when relationships begin or end, it's known. It frightens me to a degree, the publicness of it all. I suppose though, the way my love life became so public in the first place I should be used to it and maybe that I should just expect it.

I continue to pray about this desire of mine because it's not yet fulfilled. The longing runs deep and wide. I am trying to surround myself with married people to ask questions. Their guidance is something I crave. Now is the time to start learning the art of being a wife. Daily, I am in prayer for this still unknown husband of mine. I am very excited about it.

On the night that inspired these series of posts, there was ministry time mixed with worship. If you've known me at all you'll know that height is a big issue for me. It's on my list of things a potential mate needs to have because I want to be able to look evenly or upward into their eyes. During this ministry time, someone had a word from God saying. "Height is important to you because you want to look into the eyes of the one you love. Look up now into the eyes of you first love. I am here. Have confidence to trust me." It's another reminder to the fact that God's working in me, but that He's my first love. He wants to give us good gifts, and he is the first one. He is the first and the best gift– one that has long been off the shelf. Amen for that!

When we think dreams die and desires disappear - part 3

At that small group, immediately I began thinking of desires I had once had and had shelved because they seemed to crazy, or too unattainable, but none-the-less things I deeply longed for, or still long for. And in these last couple of week I've realized that there is many things I've forgotten about, and/or intentionally abandoned that God's not finished with yet. It's time to get vulnerable again in the coming posts. I'm going to explore school, location, love and maybe more. Keep watching and reading and praying. an excerpt from 2 days ago

I met one of my closest friends during my senior year and her junior year of college. She was a transfer student placed into an on-campus apartment with me at random.  It didn’t take long for us to build an awesome friendship. We had many things/interests in common- height (both of us are over 6ft), warm drinks, cute antique shops, foreign travel and military boys. You should have seen us when we realized we had the same shoe size. Finally! Someone we could share shoes with.  One of my favorite things that we share in common is our love to explore and she is one of the best people to go with.

One of our fav's in Coronado

In that year of living together we would often fill up some travel mugs with Hot Chocolate, hop in the car and head to some location, then we’d get out and walk. We’d find stores to browse and houses that we dreamed we could live in. Most of Coronado, CA has been put on our list under the category “Yes, Please.” Sometimes we knew that our talk was just talk, but we felt free to dream together about where we would one day be. It’s been 4 years now since we’ve lived even remotely close to one another, but now we still send pictures on Facebook saying, “You’d love this house,” “I have to bring you to this store when you visit,” or “I found the best pathway today that you’d love!” We know each other’s tastes and desires.

The newest send from Coleraine

Even as child, I would explore. In the hours between school and dinnertime, I would walk all over my town with no particular destination in mind. I would just imagine what was or what could be in the particular location. Yesterday I wrote how in the small town I grew up in, we’d joke that we would never get out. Even then I desired to see more, do more, and go more. And I believe God saw those desires and has blessed me with many of them.

It was along the Thames River, near the London Eye, that I sat one September day when I had an epiphany. Just the day or two before, I had flown to Europe for the first time, and was going to be there for the next four months. Culture shock had set in and I wanted to get on the next plane back to the States. But I sat there, and I thought about being in that small town that I never thought I’d leave, but I did. It was a progression of moves from small town New Hampshire to middle size town in the same state, to big city on the other side of the country, and now— now I was in London! I suddenly felt like I could do anything. So what did I do, I went exploring! Six hours, on foot, without a cell-phone, by myself, without telling anyone, I went exploring London.  I got lost in the joy of a new place, and found myself. After this I was sort of free to be me.

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
- Thomas Edison

When we think dreams die and desires disappear - part 2

As I wrote yesterday, I've been wrestling with some thoughts that were brought to light at a small group. I'm taking a look at these in several posts because it's too much for one post alone. As I wrote yesterday...

At that small group, immediately I began thinking of desires I had once had and had shelved because they seemed to crazy, or too unattainable, but none-the-less things I deeply longed for, or still long for. And in these last couple of week I've realized that there are many things I've forgotten about, and/or intentionally abandoned that God's not finished with yet. It's time to get vulnerable again in the coming posts. I'm going to explore school, location, love and maybe more. Keep watching and reading and praying.

Today, school is the idea I'm exploring and sharing  about. I have always enjoyed school. I've liked learning new things and challenging myself in new ways. I've liked my teachers, and for the most part my fellow students. There are many different types of schools I've been a part of with such different types of learning.

I grew up in a really small town in New Hampshire, where there was only one school for all the kids in kindergarten through grade 8, all 250 of us. It was s GIGANTIC wasn't it! We joked that the school and town was so small that we were never going to escape it. Yet, it was in this school, because of the close knit feeling, that I felt a push to accelerate and really make something of life. Here, I was empowered to dream and to explore. Here, I fell in love with art and design. Here, I knew I wanted to be a designer.

I'm unique that I think my teachers influenced me far more than my friends. I wasn't afraid of my teachers per say, but I respected them and I wanted to do right by them. They wanted the best out of me, and I wanted to do that. Often, it looked like I was a teacher's pet. However, a desire was beginning in me that maybe one day, I would be a teacher.

I went to two high schools and the second one I was not a fan of. There were some great things that happened in these schools that I'm grateful for, but mainly I looked toward what was in the future.  I had begun to set my sights on Point Loma Nazarene University. My youth pastor had told us he'd gone there but he never really expanded much on it to anyone. However, one day he came up to me and said something like he thought I really needed to know about this school and I really should look into attending it. He thought that it was a place God was leading me. What he didn't know was that I already had been looking at it, and my heart was set to go there.

As he and his wife shared with me about the school and began praying with me about it. This was my first glimpse really, that God had a hand on the future and my pathway of life. Why would God tell someone else this and not me? And it seemed crazy! It was insane to go to a school 3,000 miles from home, when I came from small town USA. Yet, God knew the desires of my heart to see new places, to learn new things, and experience life-changing events.

Caf Lane @ PLNU

In the fall of 2001, I packed up and moved away from family and friends to sunny San Diego. I began my studies in Graphic Design and loved it. Again, I was being impacted by my teachers so much. They weren't just educators, but they were friends. They pushed and pushed both my work and my life. My desire to be a teacher grew more and was being refined. I wanted to be a college professor teaching design.

Going into my senior year I thought I was going to have to drop out of the university. The funding just wasn't there and things weren't working like they were supposed to. Yet I committed it to the Lord. He'd brought me here. He was going to keep his hand on everything. Amazingly, just days before school was scheduled to begin, I was told I could stay.

By the time I graduated, I had talked to enough people and explored my options and I had a plan for the future. I wanted to be a design professor later in life and I knew I would need a Master's degree to do so, but I didn't want to go straight into a masters program and I was advised not too. The given advice was: Go work first, get knowledge of the field, have an idea of what you want to learn, and then you go back to school. So my plan was work 3 years, apply to school and go back for the masters.

Life didn't work so easily. It never does. First, it took a couple of years to even find a job. So of course I didn't look for masters programs at all at first because I wanted the work experience. When I did begin looking, I realized art school for a masters program was so expensive and not possible. States schools often didn't have the programs I truly wanted. Then I moved and no longer had residency discounts so the programs available really weren't worth the money. It took about a year to accept it, but my dream for becoming a college professor and going to Grad school was something I abandoned. I intentionally told myself it wasn't going to happen. And I found peace in that.

Haha. God wasn't done with it though.

I spent my two weeks in Northern Ireland last summer, and I came back talking about it frequently. A friend of mine had know how much grad school had been on my heart, and what my struggle with it had been. She was also seeing how I was effected by Norn Iron. "Have you looked into schools in Northern Ireland?" No. It hadn't occurred to me. The desire was re-awoken. In an instant it was back.

Knowing how it was difficult to find programs in the state, it was going to be a real test to find one in Northern Ireland where there was only two large universities. "God, It's gonna be you that makes this happen." So I powered up the computer, started a search and bam- Masters in Design Communication at the University of Ulster.  I couldn't believe it. I applied and was accepted, and now I'm a student in the program.

But still it didn't stop there. Seriously. How quickly we forget things. As I was preparing for my arrival in Northern Ireland, and even up to two weeks ago, I would say that I don't feel like school is my only reason for being in Northern Ireland. And I still don't, but the desires of my heart that I had abandoned- God did not. I still had it in my head that it was a dead dream, though I'm living it.

As I sat in that small group two weeks ago, as the leader was talking about these desires God grants because he wants to make us happy, God was saying that grad school, that the program I'm in now, it's a gift he's given me. He didn't forget that I wanted it. Even though I'd given up on it, he knew it was something I really wanted. He wants me to be happy in this.

I'm frustrated in the program a bit, and I don't always want to give my all. (Honestly, I should be doing school work now and not be writing this blog) As my teachers before pushed me because they wanted the best out of me, God's asking that of me now. The verse I gave yesterday from Psalms 37, part of it was "Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this." Like when I was in PLNU and I thought things weren't going work out. I had to commit it to him. He didn't bring me this far for me to fail or to give up. He wants to give good gifts.

When we think dreams die and desires disappear - part 1

Have you ever expressed a desire for something? Yeah, we all have. Some of our desires are pretty crazy.

I remember as a child, in October, maybe even September, the Christmas catalogues from JCPenny's and Sears would be delivered. My brother and I would fight on who'd be the first to flip through it and mark it up with all the toys we wanted. By the time we finished there would be post it notes all over it marking our desires. I don't think I ever got any toy I ever marked in those catalogues, but man, there were things I desired badly.

Mine was a very similar color with a soft top.

And then I said when I got my first car, I wanted it to be a Geo Tracker. I loved the sporty, fun, mini size of this car. Yeah, I said that when I was 11 and had no idea of what kind of car I would really want when I could drive. At some point, I had given voice to that desire. I grew up and forgot about it. Then came the surprise. After my freshman year of college, I returned home from school in CA to see one, very purple, Geo Tracker sitting in the driveway. I was so confused. The car I recognized as one that had belonged to a family in our church, and I didn't know why they would have been at our home. When I asked about it, my mom said they weren't at our house. The car was no longer theirs. It was mine. What!? Somewhere in time I had said I wanted a geo tracker and my mother remembered it. and when the opportunity rose to buy the car at a good price, she got it because it was what I wanted. I couldn't believe she remembered and followed through so many years later.

It was a long night last night.

First of all- start this video before you read. Listen to the song as you read.  There is only music and no video, so you won't miss anything while you read the post.


I will warn you, I am so very tired writing this post and there will probably not be complete thoughts or cohesive ideas. Yet, as I write, I'm happy I'm this tired because I'm filled with energy from the Holy Spirit. These last few days have been crazy. Last night I got home at 3:30am from a night where God was moving.

"There has never been a spiritual awakening in any country or
locality that didn't begin in united prayer…"  Dr A.T. Pierson.

This quote was in an email I received earlier this week from the Coleraine House of Prayer(CHOP). The subject line read "There has never been a spiritual awakening..." and I was hooked. As I mentioned in another post,  the word Awake or awakening, has been significant this year to me. Seeing that the focus of this week's Friday night meeting at CHOP was spiritual awakening, I decided it was time to make another visit there. It also fell on the same evening that Night Light was scheduled. Night Light is an outreach from CCV where we go out and stand outside local bars and offer patrons tea and coffee and watch the Holy Spirit meet with people.

I'm not good at staying up late. However, I'm finding myself doing just that a lot more lately and it's taking its toll as I have been distracted from everything. This evening of late night activities was gonna be worth it though. I just knew it.

I went down to CHOP with a friend and God met us for sure! The focus of the night was spiritual awakening. It was dedicated prayer for 1) Spiritual awakening for ourselves 2) For the community 3) For Northern Ireland 4) For the World. All I can say is that I was wrecked. I couldn't move from where I was sitting and it was as if my lungs were being filled with something amazing and my breath was not my own. God's speaking. He's listening and he's moving. I want to shout that! He's working in my life and in yours. I didn't want to leave CHOP, I just wanted to keep worshipping.

Ah, but I was still off to worship but in another way...

Around midnight I gathered with the team for Night Light at CCV. This would be my first night out with Night Light and I wasn't sure what all to expect. I mean we're heading off to meet people who had likely been drinking which means anything could happen. We were heading to Portstewart, which is a beachfront community. Knowing it was going to be really cold along the water, I layered up in clothes, praying that it didn't rain. The team prayed, grabbed the hot drinks, some sweets, and we loaded into the cars and headed off.

We chatted with a 18year old who was out celebrating his birthday. 18 is the legal drinking age here. Putting two and two together he was pretty much gone at 1am. He kept saying, "this isn't good. We shouldn't want this feeling of being so drunk we should want what is better." And he wondered why we were out there. Well, we were there to offer the better alternative to that bad feeling.

Then there was two guys who didn't come out of the bar we were in front of, they had just been passing by. They were quite cheeky at first, but they asked why we were out giving tea and coffee. As we explained that we were from a church, they were baffled. Yet they wanted to know more about this church that served rather than preached. One of the guys said "You know, I think the Bible is just a load of S---. It is regulations to keep people under control. But I want to believe there's more than just going to work and going to the bars. There's gotta be more out there." His friend was very bothered by the Bible comment and immediately said to take the comment back. He said he didn't believe that and that the Bible was good. He made it clear that he didn't go to church but that he held everything at high value. They asked us about times and locations we met. First we handed the info card to the one who made the bible comment. He took the card, said thanks, and slipped it in his pocket. Then something happened that I'm still shaken by. We handed the info card to the other man, and immediately he began bawling. So much so that he had to walk away. Clearly he was being effected by something. We asked if he was ok, but he pulled away his friend and said he needed to go. I'm not sure what was happening but I know the Holy Spirit was on that street with him.

There were several other people we chatted with and served and prayed for and it was so awesome. I really can't wait for the next night to go out.

Earlier this week was crazy too. I was at a small group gathering from CCV and we began the evening with worship. The song that I linked in this post was the last song of the worship set. I've only learned this song in the last month or so but I really think it is powerful. As the 10-12 of us sang it, there was something happening we were all getting louder and singing it stronger and stronger as if we were about to be yelling not singing. The words— God I look to you, I won't be overwhelmed. Give me vision, to see things like you do— man! It's been my cry this week. After we sang that song, we paused to give space for the Holy Spirit to move and speak. I saw the image of an orchestra that was warming up, each instrumentalist preparing for what was to come. Then the conductor rose, tapped his wand and cued the orchestra that it was time to begin.

I've been in the midst of a lot of changes over the last year and a half. But guess what, I think there's still a lot more to come. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is gonna look like. I don't know who it will involve. But God is moving. I'm excited.I'm praying for more nights and weeks like this. I'm praying for an awakening of God's Kingdom.

Now, play the song again since you're done reading. Sit and listen and really let it sink in. I've had a playlist on my iPod for a while titled Awakening.  Listen to the playlist and enjoy:

Christmas Music. Love.

I'm always on the hunt for Christmas Music. I know Thanksgiving hasn't even happened, but I look for Christmas music year round. Seriously I created a playlist in August. There are decorations every where now, and its cold, and I'm in the Christmas Spirit already.

This is a new leading favorite from Hillsong.

 

Then there is an old classic that has a newer twist by Casting Crowns- I Heard The Bells on Christmas Day.

 

And Joy Williams - Here With Us

How well can you read me?

I went out last night with some friends. There were seven of us and I was sitting in that middle spot where depending on which direction I was facing I could be included in any conversation. At one point I turned and one girl who’s studying psychology was being asked to analyze the other two. The two girls were both surprised and not surprised by what was said. Mostly they talked about how each of the girls expresses their emotions so others know their feelings. Could they hide their emotions? Where the shown emotions really what that person really felt? I sat there thinking how well they could read me? I mean they didn’t really know me. But then, does that make a difference at all?

I used to think I could hide my emotions well but I don’t think that is the case anymore for the good or the bad, mostly for the good though.