Patriotic or Crazy?

So I can't help it. I don't cry really at girly sad movies, like the Notebook, Beaches or Steel Magnolias, but play some patriotic music, and I start choking up. Yup, "I'm Proud to be and American", "The National Anthem", "You're a grand ole flag" "Battle Hymn of the Republic"... they all get me. Especially when I can see them in front of live band.

So as the 4th of July was two days ago, I was pretty excited. This year was the first in four that I haven't had to work on the holiday, as well as the first in four that I've been with family. And it was a good day! It was 114 degrees, I was sitting poolside with my family at a BBQ and I didn't get burned in the slightest. That was most assuredly my best achievement of the day.

But I was torn on this day, as I am for most 4th of July's. My weird patriotism was calling me to find parades, and fireworks and bands, but my family absolutely did not, most friends didn't either. My family wanted to be together playing games, making food and relaxing. I opted for the family because that's what holidays are about- being with the ones you love, but the radio, whenever I could was playing all the music, even if I was hearing my 7yr old nephew saying "This old music is putting me to sleep". Shocking to me!!!

I'm not this patriotic any other time of the year. I'm proud but I'm not zealous. There is a difference.

My other growing idea for the 4th...It didn't start on purpose, but I try to be in different cities for the celebration, just to see the differences. it was by chance that I've been in several different places on the 4th of July celebrating the nations birthday. But still, its fun and the list is growing.
My list includes:
*Marlborough, Keene, Walpole, and Nashua New Hampshire - these were fun, but my fascination with the holiday hadn't started yet.
*Erie, PA- youth group trip that was so much fun
*Washington D.C - Fireworks were okay, but not to par for the Nation's captiol. My uneasinesses was maybe at its height in all of my life, I'm slightly claustraphobic in moving crowds, especially when they are all leaving the fireworks headed for one subway entrance. no fun!
*New York City- the first celebration after 9/11. Can I say the most incredible show I've yet to see. Claustrophobia didn't seem so bad this time.
* San Diego,CA- fun with friends over multiple years and locations
*Colorado Springs, Co - Almost missed any celebration because of work, but Michelle, Grant, the kids and myself ended up shooting fireworks from our own driveway
* Los Angeles, CA - I gave up all effort since it was 4 days after moving to a new city and I was with no one I knew, so I watched Gone with the Wind
*Phoenix,AZ- we thought a monsoon was about to hit, lightening and storm clouds told us metal folding chairs on the side of the road might be a bad idea. saw fireworks on tv and I wanted to cry.
Where shall I be next year?? I don't know yet but I'm excited to try to figure that out.

Where are these animals coming from

Oh about two/three weeks ago now I went to the Phoenix Zoo for a new adventure in this wonderful city. And I went with someone who, believe it or not, does not recall ever going to a zoo in all his 29 years. Well, let me tell you with free passes, I couldn't resist the urge to bring him. All he wanted was to see a monkey. Well that we did. The zoo was sort of interesting, because it being in the desert... it obviously has more animals that can handle that type of climate... no polar bears like San Diego.

Any how... it was a lot of fun... as we walked though we had the discussion of the types of animals we grew up watching... him being from Texas, cattle and horses, armadillos were top of the list... Me from New England. Well in my own backyard there were deer, fox, squirrels, chipmunks. But I like to highlight that I've seen a moose and bear before too... Any how... all that to say... I saw some animals in the last few days in my new backyard that never would I think I would have seen... a foot long lizard, yeah, I wasn't getting close enough to see it. A vulcher, a jackrabbit, a quail(I didn't think these really existed) and I'm pretty sure I saw a mix of a spider and a scorpion... it was too small to tell which of the two it really was.

I'm a huge fan of zoos, because you can see animals but with no worries of interaction between them and myself. They are fun, and educational, and I'm safe. Aquariums I still don't feel safe in, but thats a whole different issue. But when my dwelling space mixes with vulcher.... NOT a fan. Lets keep the doors shut. I like watching God's creation, but lets keep our distance please.

Learning to fly.

Life seems suspended for me right now as I am approaching the end of the third month being in Arizona. I am in a holding pattern for everything and I am waiting for the people on the ground to start waving their batons directing me to land safely between the neon purple lights on the runway. Right now I'm still content and feeling that there is bad timing for other things that keep me from going down, but I wonder when I am going to tired of this. sometimes I think I have already.

When I moved here, there was possibilties visible on the horizons of jobs, love, family ties, new adventure and more. Those are diming.

This is new and challenging. I like new. I like challenges. and if any of you know me well enough, you know that I tie my life to song lyrics, like I'm always trying to find a soundtrack to my life like the movies. Currently, welcome Mr. Tom Petty and "I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings. Comin down is the hardest thing" I can't see far in the future. Only about 30 seconds ahead if that. but I keep my head up and I am just trying to learn to fly right now in this unknown desert.

Maybe one day I land that job interview and I'll hear back "you've got the job", and maybe let's just be friends will turn to more as I. And as my friendships hear grow, I continue to miss those of my past homes. I'll get to land soon hopefully, but I am realizing my earlier statement is a mix of false and truth. I know timing isn't right yet, but coming down is the hardest thing.

hot cement, hot wind, and misters

Noises and distractions are constantly nagging at me. They do for any body. But I've found one area that is sort of blissfully calm for me. The patio behind my home. Ahh ... I've craved a place where I can go and sit and just be in silence if I want, or a place conducive to conversation, with out leaving home. You'd think you could do that in any room of your home. But it's not possible for me, and it hasn't been for as long as I can remember...

... but the patio. Its a western facing patio so in the late afternoons the sun pours over it. For seven feet beyond the edge of the warm concrete is a small patch of grass followed by a fence wall. This wall separates our yard from a golf course. I love sitting on this patio watching little lizards crawl on the fence, changing colors between the black poles and the gray concrete base, or seeing the birds perch. The soft whir of the fan make constant white noise and it occasionally make me jump thinking I'm about to have a propeller falling towards my head.

I've often visited this patio at night when its dark and there are no lights. This is quiet let me tell you. Well quiet until I get on a phone call seeing how this is also the only place in my home that my cell phone works.

I've eaten dinner out here. Sat drinking wine while watching the sun fill the sky with pinks, oranges, and reds. Enjoyed coffee in the early morning when golfers are out in force. But now, I go maybe out of stupidity, but I think more out of desire to find solace out on the patio. Its 5:08 pm, the sun is getting lower- at blinding level, and its 104º degrees.

Thank goodness for the invention of misters ... those not keen to desert technology ... they are tubes hanging from the ceiling that spray a fine mist of water!!

Ch..Ch..Changes(turn and face the strain)

Its 12:58 am as I begin this blog and I am wondering how in the world I've managed again to find myself completely awake with no sign of sleep on the forefront. This is part of the changes I have began to face yet again as I am settling into my new home of Arizona. Oh, it's not a choice to be awake when no living thing should be awake, but alas, I am.

A few months ago I wrote about the new night soundtrack of my life. Well that has all been replace by utter silence again. By leaving LA, and moving to Arizona, I see stars in the sky, I see undeveloped land, but I don't hear anything. Nope. Nada. And the silence is deafening.

But besides noise it not the only thing keeping me awake at night. It's this crazy list of changes I have managed to make in the relatively short start of this year that having me guessing my wisdom. But more importantly is having me come before God and say "take it all."

Early in January, I decided to approach the world of online dating. After some choices made in the world of men that left me hoping for more, I needed to do something new. It has been an enriching expierence. Out of over 400 matches eHarmony has made for me, 85% were not suitable matches by either my standards or for the gentlemen on the other end. Some might think, ouch! But when otherwise in my life would I have even been given the opportunity to be given the names of these men let alone a glimpse into their lives. And out of the total some have gone from simple predetermined questions to weeks of emails and phone calls. Some have even evolved to face-to face meetings. My opinion on the matter. Its a tool to meet people that I never thought was possible. Is it meeting the guy next door and falling in love? no. but it works...and on the horizon...someone is getting through the cracks of the eharmony system into my world... is it going to be something. I can only hope. but it is TBD. :)Happy thoughts keep me up though

Besides my january decision then came my February decision. Partially my decision, and partially circumstances laid upon me. Time to find a new life. New life in the sense of locality, and of jobs. It became apparent that Los Angeles was no longer where I was to be staying. Some good things came from LA, but lets face it, I'm not an LA kinda girl. The glitz and glam has never been my thing. We all know the lyrics of the Cheers theme songs " we wanna be where everybody know my name" and it was not going to happen in LA. I'd played out the San Diego thing and I left there knowing it was time to go. So though, the friends idea was tantalizing, where was another place where the lyrics could take hold in my life. You guessed it, Arizona. Land of the sun, location of the grand canyon, and residency of a majority of my family.

I walked into my boss' office, quitting my prepress job in Santa Monica's entertainment/fashion district, with no job lined up. I packed my boxes. Broke a lease with no new tenants, and headed to the desert. I feel that this a direction God has led me. But as this is my 30th night of sleep in this town and its my 22nd of listless tossing and turning and being up all night, I am not seeing resolutions to many of these changes. I am confident they are on their way. and my prayers are stronger than they've been before. But its now 1:27am and I'm not tired...

...and the only song in my head is David Bowie's Changes... I don't even like David Bowie

You're a red head.

25 years ago minus a few days the first statements of me being a red head was uttered. It was a moment of disbelief for my parents. "really? red hair? just give her a bath? its not red?" From stories both of my parents have shared with me neither of them ever expected or desired to have a red headed child. Odd, when my mother's brother has hair the same as my own, and my father has hints of it himself.

The comments that come from being a red head really can amaze me sometimes. (as do those stemming from my height). As a child, I had phases of like an dislike. My proud days(embarrassing for my mom I'm sure) was when adults would asks so sweetly "Where did you get that beautiful head of hair?" and I would quickly respond "From RONALD MCDONALD!!!" with a big smile. But there were times I hated how I was different. I hated having to be polite and say thanks on compliments came from older women who":wished I had had that color for my hair" in their lousy attempts to dye it that way.

I fought with my mom on dyeing it. I fought with hair stylist for that matter. Most won't do it for me. I have had people call me a ginger (Look up the meaning of this semi-duragatory statment and if you know anything about me, you'll know why I don't like it). There was a customer when I was a server, who claimed by my height and hair I had heritage of a Warrior Viking Princess of some sorts. That still make me laugh.

But now almost 25 years later. I love my hair and I wouldn't change it. Yeah I might add highlights or something but I would NEVER completely change the color. I have embraced the fullness of the beauty I was given and I know I am special in the color.

So why this moment of pondering. Well... a few months ago, there was a guy who expressed interest in me. In a random moment of me saying my personality can match the red hair I got the comment back, "You're a red head?!?". Imagine the shock. Then two days ago the same thing happens. Another man who is showing interest in me, asked the same. "I didn't realize you were a red head. You are? well I noticed you're eyes first anyhow" Obviously these men are color blind, which means the second guy noticing my eye can't tell that they are green either!

In my efforts to value my hair and its uniqueness. I don't know what I think about the idea of a man I might be in a relationship with not being able to love it too! Its part of my personality. Its not a deal breaker, or is it? Shouldn't I want someone who can appreciate it? I never thought I would have to pose the question "do you know what color my hair is?" because it has always been what brings attention to me without effort. What trouble my hair has brought me.

the new night time soundtrack of my life

Growing up in a small town in New England, you grow accustomed to night time silence. There were times were I refused to go outside at night because with the lack of light, my hearing senses got the best of my imagination. Oh yes, I swore I heard animals growling behind me, or someone crawling around in the bushes.

Then I move to San Diego.. still relatively quiet, adding the noise of college students going crazy on campus...and the sounds of airplanes reverberating off of city buildings and the harbor. It was still a little noisier moving to North park. I could hear a few more sirens. I would laugh when a police helicopter would come around because my roommate would be afraid. But those helicopters weren't hugely common.

Now in Los Angeles..I have spent the last 3 nights falling asleep to my new soundtrack... hours of the droning of the Police helicopters over head, and sirens, and the freeway one block away.

so thinking back to when I was too afraid to be outside in the silence and dark of the forrested town of my youth, it is now the only place I wish I could be for a night.

Flashing lights and loud noises...

Flashing lights and loud noises are things I've come to deal with and tune out since moving to Los Angeles, but there are times when they just can't be ignored. Just the other day, I was with my roommate Bethany, walking to my car in the Whole Foods parking lot just down the street from my house. About 5 spaces over was a very large, very expensive SUV being hooked up to a tow truck. No one was around it to claim their vehicle. Most likely they parked it and walked off the lot to go to a nearby apt. In LA, you can't park your car anywhere unless your going into the building that that parking lot belongs to- and there are people standing and watching to make sure you do just that. Anyhow... as we watched our comments went to the idea of how much it would stink to come back to where you had parked your car only to find it was no longer there! The worry of was it stolen? was it towed? how much is this going to cost? All of the above would be bad.

Fast forward only a mere 36 hours later. I live 2 blocks from the 24 hour fitness that I am a member of. I can't justify in my mind that if I am going to the gym to work out my body, then why would I be lazy enough to drive my car in one of the most polluted cities in the world to save myself from walking two blocks. But this night, I was heading to the gym almost 2hours later than I normally would when it is already dark outside, and I thought for a while that I should just take my car. Eventually I opted not too, trying to be smart about it. Well... an hour after going to the gym, I walk home. As I am walking I hear those loud noises and see orange flashing lights. Approaching these, I see, yes, my car being attached to a tow truck. Apparently 15ft is no longer the legal distance from a water hydrant, its 20 ft and I violated that. So $200 dollars and some rants of anger later, I might be reconsidering next time, that driving 2 blocks may be worth my while.