Oceans

I was listening to a lecture the other day for a course I am a taking and on two separate points, I felt a nagging at my heart. It was like God was saying “Pay attention to this, Katie. This is something you need to hear right now.” After processing it through, I’ve now thought maybe I need to pass on my thoughts to others.

My thoughts were snagged at the first point, when he began discussing Biblical references to water and “the deep” of Genesis 1:2. The lecturer was explaining that often times this passage of the deep as being sin, evil, and deception in the Bible, but instead it was formless and but it was about to be given life through the breath of God.

Hmm… bear with…switching gears for a moment now.

We all have our things that make us uncomfortable and the discomfort easily slips into varying degrees of fear. I don’t even have to think about mine, or maybe I spend too much time thinking about mine. The thing(s) that make me most uncomfortable is being in water and anything that occurs below the surface of large bodies of water. From the shifting sands below my feet when I stand knee deep and the animals that live below, to the cracks and crevices of land that has shifted and changed over time. Even the thought of the large amount of wreckage from storms that has been lost to the depths of the sea, it awful. I just don’t like it. Mainly, I would talk the about my discomfort of how animals are on the far end of the scale for it all in creeping me out. I avoid them at all cost in the ocean, lakes, or aquariums. And I do not, I repeat DO NOT, enter their territory. Mind you, I know that many animals can move quietly, can appear out of nowhere, and have the power to overtake me quite easily, and not just those animals dwelling in water. Humans too, have the same behavior. Yet, under the surface of the water so much more is at risk than just the animals.

Ironically, I have lived within close proximity of the ocean (100 miles or less) for more than 20 years of my life. I love spending time on the beach. The smell and sounds of the beach is an incredible gift to my senses. And now that I’m living in the desert, the ocean is the environment I miss more than any other. This origin of this sense of dread toward the ocean is something I can’t fully explain because it was once non-existent. I enjoyed my time when I played in the ocean as a child. I used to study ocean animals with fervor (ask my family about the 4^th grade month-long focus on whales, oi vey). I never have been caught in a rip-tide. I have had some incidents with animals (eels and marlins), but even when those happened it didn’t stop me in the moment. Yet, I distinctly remember in my university years not wanting to go out on the Ocean Beach Pier in San Diego because it extended a quarter mile out into the water where the likelihood of danger grew with each step. The fear presented itself and grew from there.

Recently, I was at the Titanic Museum in Belfast, Northern Ireland. In the year and a half it had been open, I wasn’t too keen to go to the museum. However, I was with a friend, and we had agreed we were doing touristy type things, so to the Titanic we went. It was indeed interesting. Yet, as we moved along chronological layout of the ship’s history, eventually we would approach the demise of the famed ship, where I knew we couldn’t escape without some exposure to the wreckage. This meant underwater. As we entered a theater showing a short documentary, I felt the shift in my mind, setting in the unease. There were the sound effects of sonar pings and the breathing through masks. It had the visuals of animals crawling across the ocean floor and things growing on the boat. Even then cheesy commentary did nothing to help. I was more and more uncomfortable. Only five minutes passed, yet it felt so much more drawn out. Then we went downstairs to a movie screen with frightening creatures. I just passed through the room with little to no slowing and waited for my friend. The situation was just humorous to her.

What I’ve come to realize over much thinking. Is that what scares me most about the deep waters is the unpredictable nature of the environment, compounded with lack of control and loss of senses.

I’ve been fully submerged. It can feel like time is standing still, then everything moves at hyper speed. You can’t hear anything, then sounds are suddenly amplified. You can’t speak or breathe without additional equipment. And known water dwelling species are larger than any other land dwelling animals. There deeper in, the less light there is. All of these things are what scares me.

Going back to my lecture, the second point that he came to was through Genesis 1:2 where it says, “The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters.” From here light was introduced, and separation of sky and water, and life came forth. What the lecturer said was that the dark and the deep were still things of God and he thought they were good. Good! The things I fear he says are good!

Out of the dark, he brought us so much more than we could imagine. Over the dark, God hovered. From the beginning, he covered the darkness with His Power, and His Strength, and His Glory. He wasn’t afraid of it! This hit me straight between the eyes. Somewhere I lost the wonder of the ocean’s depths and it was replaced with anxiety and dread. My fascination with the animals was replaced with an unhealthy view that they were too powerful and strong for me. And somewhere along the line I’ve taken a view that my journey in draws me deeper into the unsafe, uncontrollable, dangerous unknown without a protector. The only false part of that is that I do have a protector. My Protector has never stopped hovering and breathing life into me.

Even with the Titantic, they had a protector. The museum portrayed, in brutal honesty, that the captains were warned by many ships moving along only hours ahead of them, moving in the same path, that there were treacherous iceburgs and that they ought to slow down and keep watch. But they moved ahead into the darkness not listening to the voices speaking to them. Oh, they moved unafraid foolishly, and found what rightly describe by the warnings. It was a decision that was destructive to so many.

It's in this message that God has been speaking to me this week, that when I am afraid and unwilling to step into His goodness and allow His breath to fill me, then consequence befall me and others.

It's interesting to me when God wants to communicate, he repeats the message. Just tonight, as I read through the passage of my Bible-In-One-Year app on my phone, they featured the book of Jonah. Talk about dealing with what scares me. Jonah decided one type of darkness (Nineveh) wasn’t good enough and he choose a different way straight into a storm and the stomach of a whale. His choice brought consequences to himself and others on board that ship and delayed the promise of God to the Ninevites. God had an animal large enough to swallow a human and keep him alive—the same ones that make me cringe— as a tool waiting in the deep for his exact purpose.

Maybe you’re like me, though you can step into the ocean with ease, your “things of the deep” are keeping you from what is available to you in God’s power. Perhaps you have different issues like a job situation, a family struggle, emotional distress or any number of things that feel out of your control. From Genesis 1 we know that these things are near to God and he can call them good. It’s time to release the fear and remember God is hovering, ready to bring light into your dark deep places.

______

As a side note: 

I can think of at least three people who will read this and will now, even more fervently insist I go swimming in the ocean again. I'm not hopping on a plane to do it, but one day I will. Promise.

Encounter Gets Out Of Coleraine

With Encounter School of Mission, we have our teaching days and then we have our practical days. Often the practical days are in Coleraine, the town that we're based in. It's easy and we really focus on trying to impact our local community. But on occasion we go out to the town.

Recently we've gone to Derry and Enniskillen, both in Northern Ireland, and Sligo, in the south. They've been interesting trips.

Derry 

I really love meeting people while I'm traveling. Because of my personal interest in travel, I'm always curious why people are on the move so it provides opportunity to talk and pray with people. We had earlier in the year gone to another town on a train, and it was one of my favorite days. We'd missed our return train but I ended up talking to a woman called Ruby for 45 minutes. She and her husband were caretakers of a church, and she was traveling to get fitted for a leg brace. In that time we prayed for her leg, but she wanted to pray for revival in her church. Heck yes! Of course I wanted to pray with her about that. It was so good. Any how that day had made me love Encounter travel days, and my leaders knew this, so they asked me to lead the group to go to Derry.

Write down the revelation

Habakkuk 2:1-3 NIV

¹I will stand at my watch
   and station myself on the ramparts;
I will look to see what he will say to me,
   and what answer I am to give to this complaint.^[a]

The LORD’s Answer

 ² Then the LORD replied:   “Write down the revelation
   and make it plain on tablets
   so that a herald^[b] may run with it.
³ For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
   it speaks of the end
   and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
   it^[c] will certainly come and will not delay.

I was struck by this passage this morning. In the three verses, there is so much that speaks this morning.

Write down the revelation and make it plain on the tablets so that a herald may run with it.  

Write the revelation down. This makes me think of how people say to write down your dreams and then watch them happen, as if putting them in writing make something actually happen. I think it's true. When you write things down you give something a voice. Something becomes a bit more solid and more thought out perhaps. The thoughts, even if it's on a sticky note that gets folded up and shoved in a drawer, one day comes around again. A parent’s journal may get leafed through years down the road by a child or grandchild where they discover what made the parent who they were. Tablets with inscriptions get uncovered in archaeological digs that show us more insight to the ancient world.

Can you imagine journals or diaries being thrown away? Entries written, the book filled up, then thrown away with not even a moment taken to read past entries before discarding them. This is what I used to do and now partially wish I'd never done. My thoughts were that they were filled with hurt and pain that I didn't want to relive. I still believe it true that the time period covered in those discard journals was a painful time, but I now know they've been covered by grace and mercy. I’m able to look back with gladness to where I've come from and who God has made me to be because of and in spite of the pain. 

Write down the revelation. I am one who often writes in a journal and my habit has changed. I keep the journals. I pour over them on a regular basis. It's part of my dialogue between God, and myself, and it is something I find so helpful. It allows me to work out emotions and thoughts on paper that just need to escape my head. Reading through them I see where my ancient ruins are and where there was beauty in that.

Some ideas make it from my journal to this blog. I began this blog as a way to chronicle my time in Northern Ireland away from my home and all who was familiar to me. It was a way that people could know some of what was happening in my life while I was here. I think my intentions were to share a bit more of the simple things: I went on a walk here, I met a person with an interesting accent there, school is proving to be _____... and the list goes on. Those are things I have been sharing that, but if you've read any of the blogs it's not the flavor of them all. The blog has become sort of my journal of thoughts and revelations of how God is transforming me and challenging me. I want to write it down and share it, because I can't seem to work it out sometimes when it's only in my head. Sometimes things are disjointed. Ok, honestly, they're often disjointed. I don't claim to be a theologian or historian. I just try to walk daily with God and listen to what He is saying. And then I want to share it, because isn't that what we are called to? When we feel the love of Christ pouring into us, aren't we supposed to share it with others?

There is also a part of the above verse that says so that a herald may run with it. A herald is a person who reads what's written. My words, my thoughts, get written here and I do come back to them. However blogs aren’t meant for the writer. Once a post is up, I don't know who all reads them or how the find it. A few unexpected readers have told me that they have, and I can only think that it is God's hand doing that. My incomplete thoughts, mediocre grammar, and hopeful seeking are tools I get to put to use. Let people read and run with it. I hope it’s something to learn from, question, discuss.

For the revelation awaits an appointed time.

I write this blog, because I am learning from God. And I am waiting on God. I've said it loads of times. There is something big He's doing in me and that it is why I am in Northern Ireland. He clearly called me here, but now that I’m here it is time to wait. Changes are happening, slowly. I write what changes I see. Look at the way The Message write part of this passage:

This vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming. It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait!

It describes it as an ache. Yeah, that sounds about right. Sometimes it has felt like a physical ache to know what God is doing, to know what his vision is pointing to. I’ve never thought about how it might be an ache for God to fulfill his promises for us. 

Wait for it

The end of that passage reads "Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay." Two concepts that are complete opposites are in that phrase- linger and will not delay- is hard sometimes for me to reconcile. It's not hard to reconcile for the Lord. Where we see linger, he sees will not delay. 

He will continue to show me His way as I seek for it. I will keep waiting. I will keep writing. I will trust. 

My prayer for this comes from a book I am reading on Waiting, the same that highlighted this verse.

Lord, when you give a definite promise, or confirm that one of our most potent dreams will come to pass, it's really hard when nothing appears to happen. Help us neither lose sight of your promise nor obsess about it. That's a big ask, Lord- we're only human! And we don't see everything clearly — for example that we're maturing in the process or that you want us to complete something now that we won't be able to do then. Be with us in the waiting. Help us to enjoy all the good things that life offers in the meanwhile. Help us to listen to you, day by day, in the little things — and then help us to do what you say. Waiting- Reflections, Stories and prayers, by Chris Leonard

found image on http://www.lylaandblu.com/post/16645732793-

It was a long night last night.

First of all- start this video before you read. Listen to the song as you read.  There is only music and no video, so you won't miss anything while you read the post.


I will warn you, I am so very tired writing this post and there will probably not be complete thoughts or cohesive ideas. Yet, as I write, I'm happy I'm this tired because I'm filled with energy from the Holy Spirit. These last few days have been crazy. Last night I got home at 3:30am from a night where God was moving.

"There has never been a spiritual awakening in any country or
locality that didn't begin in united prayer…"  Dr A.T. Pierson.

This quote was in an email I received earlier this week from the Coleraine House of Prayer(CHOP). The subject line read "There has never been a spiritual awakening..." and I was hooked. As I mentioned in another post,  the word Awake or awakening, has been significant this year to me. Seeing that the focus of this week's Friday night meeting at CHOP was spiritual awakening, I decided it was time to make another visit there. It also fell on the same evening that Night Light was scheduled. Night Light is an outreach from CCV where we go out and stand outside local bars and offer patrons tea and coffee and watch the Holy Spirit meet with people.

I'm not good at staying up late. However, I'm finding myself doing just that a lot more lately and it's taking its toll as I have been distracted from everything. This evening of late night activities was gonna be worth it though. I just knew it.

I went down to CHOP with a friend and God met us for sure! The focus of the night was spiritual awakening. It was dedicated prayer for 1) Spiritual awakening for ourselves 2) For the community 3) For Northern Ireland 4) For the World. All I can say is that I was wrecked. I couldn't move from where I was sitting and it was as if my lungs were being filled with something amazing and my breath was not my own. God's speaking. He's listening and he's moving. I want to shout that! He's working in my life and in yours. I didn't want to leave CHOP, I just wanted to keep worshipping.

Ah, but I was still off to worship but in another way...

Around midnight I gathered with the team for Night Light at CCV. This would be my first night out with Night Light and I wasn't sure what all to expect. I mean we're heading off to meet people who had likely been drinking which means anything could happen. We were heading to Portstewart, which is a beachfront community. Knowing it was going to be really cold along the water, I layered up in clothes, praying that it didn't rain. The team prayed, grabbed the hot drinks, some sweets, and we loaded into the cars and headed off.

We chatted with a 18year old who was out celebrating his birthday. 18 is the legal drinking age here. Putting two and two together he was pretty much gone at 1am. He kept saying, "this isn't good. We shouldn't want this feeling of being so drunk we should want what is better." And he wondered why we were out there. Well, we were there to offer the better alternative to that bad feeling.

Then there was two guys who didn't come out of the bar we were in front of, they had just been passing by. They were quite cheeky at first, but they asked why we were out giving tea and coffee. As we explained that we were from a church, they were baffled. Yet they wanted to know more about this church that served rather than preached. One of the guys said "You know, I think the Bible is just a load of S---. It is regulations to keep people under control. But I want to believe there's more than just going to work and going to the bars. There's gotta be more out there." His friend was very bothered by the Bible comment and immediately said to take the comment back. He said he didn't believe that and that the Bible was good. He made it clear that he didn't go to church but that he held everything at high value. They asked us about times and locations we met. First we handed the info card to the one who made the bible comment. He took the card, said thanks, and slipped it in his pocket. Then something happened that I'm still shaken by. We handed the info card to the other man, and immediately he began bawling. So much so that he had to walk away. Clearly he was being effected by something. We asked if he was ok, but he pulled away his friend and said he needed to go. I'm not sure what was happening but I know the Holy Spirit was on that street with him.

There were several other people we chatted with and served and prayed for and it was so awesome. I really can't wait for the next night to go out.

Earlier this week was crazy too. I was at a small group gathering from CCV and we began the evening with worship. The song that I linked in this post was the last song of the worship set. I've only learned this song in the last month or so but I really think it is powerful. As the 10-12 of us sang it, there was something happening we were all getting louder and singing it stronger and stronger as if we were about to be yelling not singing. The words— God I look to you, I won't be overwhelmed. Give me vision, to see things like you do— man! It's been my cry this week. After we sang that song, we paused to give space for the Holy Spirit to move and speak. I saw the image of an orchestra that was warming up, each instrumentalist preparing for what was to come. Then the conductor rose, tapped his wand and cued the orchestra that it was time to begin.

I've been in the midst of a lot of changes over the last year and a half. But guess what, I think there's still a lot more to come. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is gonna look like. I don't know who it will involve. But God is moving. I'm excited.I'm praying for more nights and weeks like this. I'm praying for an awakening of God's Kingdom.

Now, play the song again since you're done reading. Sit and listen and really let it sink in. I've had a playlist on my iPod for a while titled Awakening.  Listen to the playlist and enjoy:

Standing outside the fire

I grew to love country music as a young child. My love of it grew, not because my parents enjoyed it nor because of any outside influence, but because I liked the videos I saw on CMT(Country Music Television) more than what I saw on MTV. Choosing CMT was the safer (I would get into less trouble) option of the two stations I wasn't supposed to be watching at all. This decision shines light into who I am quite a bit. I push boundaries, but always holding back on an undefined something.

My brother and I were latch key kids – unsupervised children at home in the hours between school letting out and my coming home from work. Really, there are so many things that you may expect to happen when kids are left alone, but I will admit that I was most often a goody-two-shoes and followed most rules. But I liked to push some limits. I would do things that were safe but not what was condoned OK by my parents. For example, watching TV when I supposed to be doing homework and chores. Or I would wander all over my small little town of Marlborough, NH making sure I was home before my parents were so they wouldn't know I left at all.

But country music? That's serious rebellion. Um...not really. OK. I just wasn't always the biggest cartoon fan. We all like what we like.

I would spend hours watching the videos of these country songs. Among the first songs I ever remember falling in love with were Standing Outside the Fire, by Garth Brooks, and Any Man of Mine, by Shania Twain. To this day, I love these two songs, and have them committed to memory. But I'm going to ignore Twain's song. Standing Outside the Fire has a chorus and bridge that says:

Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide standing outside the fire

I would sing this out at the top of my lungs. It was me. I was constantly yearning to push limits. I didn't want to be OK with the mediocre. This is something I knew when I was eleven. How far was I going to be able to go?

But as I said before, I pushed limits but played it safe. I didn't hide things from my parents. I didn't do illegal activities. There were no major daredevil injuries.

Country music was my go-to choice most often, but in the last year or so I've stopped listening to it for one reason or another. But I've started listening again in the last few weeks or so. Going through some old cd's and I found a mix cd that said "Country Mix 1." There was no indication of what songs were on it. I grabbed it one my way out the door, loaded it into the cd player in my car and was hit with the familiar chords of Standing Outside the Fire.

This time it's hit me differently. The song plays on the idea that people don't push themselves, or that we give a hard time those who do. Now, when I hear the song it's not just a desire in my heart to push myself, and to achieve more out of life. But it's a burning desire to see the Kingdom of God move through out. I want it in my life. I want my family to experience it. I want it to pour into my friends and the strangers on the street. I don't want to hold back on that undefined something just to be safe. Jesus' ministry isn't always safe.

"Life is not tried, it is merely survived..." I'm sorry. Come again? Merely survived? No. That's not acceptable to me. I have come to the point that I can't just survive my life. I want to actively participate.

In Exodus, chapter 24, Moses was called up to Mount Sinai.

15 When Moses went up on the mountain, the cloud covered it, 16 and the glory of the LORD settled on Mount Sinai. For six days the cloud covered the mountain, and on the seventh day the LORD called to Moses from within the cloud. 17 To the Israelites the glory of the LORD looked like a consuming fire on top of the mountain. 18 Then Moses entered the cloud as he went on up the mountain. And he stayed on the mountain forty days and forty nights.

While he was there, the Israelites’ stood at the bottom. They proceeded with life as best they could, but they grew anxious. When was he coming back? When were they going to receive from God? Yet, they didn't wait.

Lately I see myself in comparison to the Israelites’. I want to be in that fire. I am walking that way. I see God moving and doing some absolutely incredible things that proves to me that he is the I AM. However, my heart grows anxious.

This morning I finally sat down to read through two devotional series I've been working tackling in the last year. God met me as I read some passages. Mind you, I feel like I've run from Him in the last 3 days out of crankiness and pain and my own weakness. Nevertheless, I opened up to Psalms 84 that reads:

1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
LORD Almighty!
2 My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God 

And then I read Isaiah 40:

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

"There's this love that is burning, deep in my soul" that the Lord has placed there. He's working it out in his unfathomable understanding. Though I want to move forward and move fast, I have to sit and wait.

My plans for Northern Ireland– not going as smoothly as I would hope for. My ear– excruciating pain lately. My time– it seems wasted, a lot. But in my waiting God is there.

Listen to the song. What does it conjure up in your mind? What is the fire that you can't abide standing outside?

Car rides and convo

It's an iconic scenario in films and television were two or more people are in a car, traveling somewhere. Be it a small trip to the store, or a grand road trip - in watching those scenarios we have an insider view of conversations that happen between the passengers. An amazing soundtrack always backs them and magic happens.

But does the magic happen outside of the world of film. As I pass cars daily, I see into the other vehicles moving by me and I sometimes wonder what sort of topic are they are discussing this time. Are they filling in each other on their day's activities? Are they making big decisions? Are they falling in love? Are they just trying to make it from Point A to Point B without being awkward?

Sparkling Water

I was reading early Monday morning about the Israelites approach to the Red Sea in their exodus from Egyptian rule. Here are thousands of people who just witnessed miracles upon miracles that have proven God's power. In a short time, they have seen more than some will in their entire lifetime. Yet there was sparkling waters ahead.

The sparkles on the waters are beautiful when you can enjoy it, when you can relish in the sound of the crashing waves, the mist spraying off the rocks, the breeze that takes hold of your soul. But to the Isrealites, I don't think the sparkles held this meaning. They, as well as Moses, were aware of the path they were traveling. It was a path towards their seemingly biggest challenge yet, a dead end at the sea's shoreline. If only I could hear the thoughts in Moses head and to hear the response of the Lord too, I would imagine them going like this,  "This is pure craziness God! (To you, but to me it's perfect!) You want me to lead these people (Yes.) to a place that has no exit? (Not an exit that you see, but yes. I do want you to do that.) Through narrow, dangerous passage ways (I'll hold you up) to the shore line? (Absolutely. I've got a surprise;) ) I'm trusting you on this Lord (good) because the other option is captivity and death (Keep trusting)." So the masses continued  toward the sparkling waters. Fully aware. Many angry. Many untrusting. But the God of wonders proved glorious! The waters parted and a way was made for the people to pass through.

Clearing out the trash

I have moved a lot in the last 10 years or so.

A Journey Began.

Spring 2009
Count back about 2 years ago to a conversation with my friend Obie, the youth pastor with whom I've been serving with for some time now... "Hey, I met someone this week and I realized through Facebook that you know him. I'm thinking teaming with him (another youth pastor) and his teens and heading to Northern Ireland for a short term missions trip this summer. Would you be interested in coming?"

Where to now?

About 10 weeks ago I was sitting at my kitchen table, trying to prepare a lesson that I was going to share with my team that was heading to Northern Ireland. We were supposed to leave in 3 days and I had yet to figure out what I was going to share. I started freaking out a bit, but a scripture passage came to mind. “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work with in us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!” Ephesians 3:20. Do you ever have moments when something just clicks and you know you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing? This was one of those moments. This is what I was supposed to share with my team. Little did I know that it was maybe more of a reminder or kick-starter for myself than for my team…

Today is two months that I’ve since returned from Northern Ireland. The trip, I think was one of the most important things I’ve done in my lifetime. It’s taken two months of thinking it through to formulate a blog that can explain even a portion of it– and that’s still questionable if it will. Every day there’s a new insight I’m seeing on why I was there, and what I’m taking away from it.

When I boarded a plane to head to Northern Ireland, I expected to be a chaperon of 9 teenagers who were going to serve people in the city of Coleraine. It was a missions trip for the youth at Vineyard Community Church. I expected to help them, and help people I met. I expected to walk the streets talking to people I’d never met and most likely won’t see again in my lifetime, to serve them in unknown ways. I felt hesitant to go on the trip even up to a few days before leaving. “Why am I doing this?” “How can I do anything to impact N.I, let alone the kingdom of God?” “Lead teenagers?”

I didn’t expect my life to change. But it did. I prepared a lesson about a God who can do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine, but I didn’t take into account that this was a lesson God wanted me to hear too. In Coleraine, I was faced with so many moments of weakness, and being broke down before my team and before God. Fear overtook me on occasion, to be superseded by His amazing power. Opportunities to talk with the teens and fellow leader I went with, were given in abundance. Times of transparency of my life had to happen–often. Strong reminders of where I’ve come from and how God’s woven His way through it all were shown to me like a map. “See Katie, this is where you were, and I restored this decision. I was there in that moment. I introduced you to that person. I held you here. I’m talking to you now. And I’m in your future.” I was meeting people half a world away who shared the same struggles as I do. I met new friends that I’ll cherish always. Issues of love were hitting me left and right. Being completely transparent- this is my biggest struggle and the one I’ve kept the closest to me and shut away from everyone, and yet it has been laid bare for everyone to see against my desires. Almost all of the trip I was surrounded by people, loud people, when I was accustomed to the quietness of living alone. Laughing at myself was required. All of it was out of my comfort zone.

I can’t really say I was comfortable in my life before going to N.I., but I was accustomed to life. I had certain motivations for my life. I knew what to expect. I knew and understood patterns of the daily grind. I am a graphic designer, a problem solver, a fixer type of person. I like trying to see the puzzle and find a solution amidst the chaos. And this trip clouded that vision in so many ways, only to open to a much clearer version. His version.

Before leaving some other passages had been brought to my attention: 1 Kings 6:8-18 and Matthew 14:22-33. Both passages were the basis’ of each sermon I heard in Northern Ireland. Each are about perspective change and God showing up in ways we couldn’t expect or comprehend.

I’m realizing that’s what all of this is about. My perspective was wrong to see where God has really been transforming my life, and he wanted/wants to change it. I just had to come to a place where I could allow that. I still, everyday, have to come to that decision, just like everyone.

I said earlier that everyday brings new insight, and today was no different. But today brought some answers of my job. I was at a conference surrounded by the “Phoenix Design Community” as they’ve called themselves, and the last speaker of the day presented ideas that really struck a chord. I’m a designer, its no secret to anyone that designing impacts my life. But has it ever played in reverse? Is it apparent that my design is effected by my decision to follow God? A big question coming back to the states was, “Am I doing the right job? Yes. Being a graphic designer is where God has placed me. I’m paid to put things in front of peoples faces. What am I doing about that? How will I leverage that to lift up the Kingdom of God? The presenter didn’t pose the question of God, but yet he posed how does your passion of ________ impact your design. I filled in the blank.

So many other revelations have come about in the last two months too, that I am super excited about. I just have to keep clinging to “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work with in us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!” Ephesians 3:20. It’s God’s glory, not mine. Never mine.