Oceans

I was listening to a lecture the other day for a course I am a taking and on two separate points, I felt a nagging at my heart. It was like God was saying “Pay attention to this, Katie. This is something you need to hear right now.” After processing it through, I’ve now thought maybe I need to pass on my thoughts to others.

My thoughts were snagged at the first point, when he began discussing Biblical references to water and “the deep” of Genesis 1:2. The lecturer was explaining that often times this passage of the deep as being sin, evil, and deception in the Bible, but instead it was formless and but it was about to be given life through the breath of God.

Hmm… bear with…switching gears for a moment now.

We all have our things that make us uncomfortable and the discomfort easily slips into varying degrees of fear. I don’t even have to think about mine, or maybe I spend too much time thinking about mine. The thing(s) that make me most uncomfortable is being in water and anything that occurs below the surface of large bodies of water. From the shifting sands below my feet when I stand knee deep and the animals that live below, to the cracks and crevices of land that has shifted and changed over time. Even the thought of the large amount of wreckage from storms that has been lost to the depths of the sea, it awful. I just don’t like it. Mainly, I would talk the about my discomfort of how animals are on the far end of the scale for it all in creeping me out. I avoid them at all cost in the ocean, lakes, or aquariums. And I do not, I repeat DO NOT, enter their territory. Mind you, I know that many animals can move quietly, can appear out of nowhere, and have the power to overtake me quite easily, and not just those animals dwelling in water. Humans too, have the same behavior. Yet, under the surface of the water so much more is at risk than just the animals.

Ironically, I have lived within close proximity of the ocean (100 miles or less) for more than 20 years of my life. I love spending time on the beach. The smell and sounds of the beach is an incredible gift to my senses. And now that I’m living in the desert, the ocean is the environment I miss more than any other. This origin of this sense of dread toward the ocean is something I can’t fully explain because it was once non-existent. I enjoyed my time when I played in the ocean as a child. I used to study ocean animals with fervor (ask my family about the 4^th grade month-long focus on whales, oi vey). I never have been caught in a rip-tide. I have had some incidents with animals (eels and marlins), but even when those happened it didn’t stop me in the moment. Yet, I distinctly remember in my university years not wanting to go out on the Ocean Beach Pier in San Diego because it extended a quarter mile out into the water where the likelihood of danger grew with each step. The fear presented itself and grew from there.

Recently, I was at the Titanic Museum in Belfast, Northern Ireland. In the year and a half it had been open, I wasn’t too keen to go to the museum. However, I was with a friend, and we had agreed we were doing touristy type things, so to the Titanic we went. It was indeed interesting. Yet, as we moved along chronological layout of the ship’s history, eventually we would approach the demise of the famed ship, where I knew we couldn’t escape without some exposure to the wreckage. This meant underwater. As we entered a theater showing a short documentary, I felt the shift in my mind, setting in the unease. There were the sound effects of sonar pings and the breathing through masks. It had the visuals of animals crawling across the ocean floor and things growing on the boat. Even then cheesy commentary did nothing to help. I was more and more uncomfortable. Only five minutes passed, yet it felt so much more drawn out. Then we went downstairs to a movie screen with frightening creatures. I just passed through the room with little to no slowing and waited for my friend. The situation was just humorous to her.

What I’ve come to realize over much thinking. Is that what scares me most about the deep waters is the unpredictable nature of the environment, compounded with lack of control and loss of senses.

I’ve been fully submerged. It can feel like time is standing still, then everything moves at hyper speed. You can’t hear anything, then sounds are suddenly amplified. You can’t speak or breathe without additional equipment. And known water dwelling species are larger than any other land dwelling animals. There deeper in, the less light there is. All of these things are what scares me.

Going back to my lecture, the second point that he came to was through Genesis 1:2 where it says, “The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters.” From here light was introduced, and separation of sky and water, and life came forth. What the lecturer said was that the dark and the deep were still things of God and he thought they were good. Good! The things I fear he says are good!

Out of the dark, he brought us so much more than we could imagine. Over the dark, God hovered. From the beginning, he covered the darkness with His Power, and His Strength, and His Glory. He wasn’t afraid of it! This hit me straight between the eyes. Somewhere I lost the wonder of the ocean’s depths and it was replaced with anxiety and dread. My fascination with the animals was replaced with an unhealthy view that they were too powerful and strong for me. And somewhere along the line I’ve taken a view that my journey in draws me deeper into the unsafe, uncontrollable, dangerous unknown without a protector. The only false part of that is that I do have a protector. My Protector has never stopped hovering and breathing life into me.

Even with the Titantic, they had a protector. The museum portrayed, in brutal honesty, that the captains were warned by many ships moving along only hours ahead of them, moving in the same path, that there were treacherous iceburgs and that they ought to slow down and keep watch. But they moved ahead into the darkness not listening to the voices speaking to them. Oh, they moved unafraid foolishly, and found what rightly describe by the warnings. It was a decision that was destructive to so many.

It's in this message that God has been speaking to me this week, that when I am afraid and unwilling to step into His goodness and allow His breath to fill me, then consequence befall me and others.

It's interesting to me when God wants to communicate, he repeats the message. Just tonight, as I read through the passage of my Bible-In-One-Year app on my phone, they featured the book of Jonah. Talk about dealing with what scares me. Jonah decided one type of darkness (Nineveh) wasn’t good enough and he choose a different way straight into a storm and the stomach of a whale. His choice brought consequences to himself and others on board that ship and delayed the promise of God to the Ninevites. God had an animal large enough to swallow a human and keep him alive—the same ones that make me cringe— as a tool waiting in the deep for his exact purpose.

Maybe you’re like me, though you can step into the ocean with ease, your “things of the deep” are keeping you from what is available to you in God’s power. Perhaps you have different issues like a job situation, a family struggle, emotional distress or any number of things that feel out of your control. From Genesis 1 we know that these things are near to God and he can call them good. It’s time to release the fear and remember God is hovering, ready to bring light into your dark deep places.

______

As a side note: 

I can think of at least three people who will read this and will now, even more fervently insist I go swimming in the ocean again. I'm not hopping on a plane to do it, but one day I will. Promise.

Lessons From An Ant

I was lying down in the sandy dunes of Castlerock Beach on Wednesday. It’s been a long few weeks with so much added on my already full load. So I was taking the day alone to gain some rest and some clarity. At the beach I was journaling, praying and listening. I’ve been struggling with a lot of things lately, among them has been comparing myself to others and a season of depression. Today these were my lament. As I spent the morning asking God to reveal himself to me, I was expectant He would answer. He did, albeit I was surprised how it came…

When you lie on the ground you see how many minuscule bugs there are. They do not put me off in any real manner, but they fall into the category of animals in my mind. If you know me, animals of any shape, size, or breed don't often get much, if any, of my attention.* As I shifted position in the sand, my journal was pushed aside and I saw an ant. Strangely, it had my immediate attention. We all know ants are characteristically strong. They can hold a ridiculous amount of weight in comparison to their body size. However, this ant was lacking on the strength side. It was on its back and seemed to struggle but with reason. It’s legs were wrapped around a piece of grass not much larger than an eyelash, and it couldn’t seem to turn over and get the grass on it’s back. The ant was refusing to give up. I was watching it; sort of cheering the ant on, hoping its innate strength was going to win the battle with the grass. After a few minutes it gave up the fight and just lay there. The ant then pushed the grass aside and looked like it was just trying to turn over. I’m now at about 5 minutes watching this ant.

Church Planting

I have known for a while, ok about 10 years, that church planting was going to be a part of my future. But it always seemed far off.

A few springs ago, God reminded me of it on a hike and this was my response:

What! Really?! No way? Crap. No- it will be good. Scratch that. it will  be great!. Seriously? Ok.

Where you go I'll go. Where you lead I will go.

When I came to Northern Ireland, I kind of knew, that God was speaking into this more, I just needed to listen. There were a couple of people who were in the process of planting churches. I considered them and prayed about them, but those don't seem right. Recently, far more consistently and clearly, God speaking to me about church planting. It doesn't seem as far off in time.

Things are shifting. Things are gettting exciting. Things are getting out of the comfort zone.

I guess I would continue to ask for prayer, guidence and support.

What have I been up to?

It's been a good amount of time since I've written a post about what is happening over here in Northern Ireland with me. Well there is a reason for that. I have been so busy with my university work and have had such a drive to get things done that it's left me at point where I felt I needed to make some time management choices. I have not wanted to leave the blog without posts, but it takes me so much time to write, that I just did not get a post up. But also, as I said in another small blog, I needed to share some things with my family before I posted it here and catching each other on Skype seems sometimes difficult for us to do.

So back to my university work ... it's what's kept me very busy. Right now, I am finishing the second semester out of three for my master's degree. This course has had it's ups and downs but I've found that it is pushing me further than I ever thought it would have.

Before coming to Northern Ireland I had very little information in regards to the program I would be undertaking. Looking back it's probably good that I hadn't know much about it, had I any clue what that course would really be, there is high probability that I wouldn't have applied. It's called the Master's of Design Communication. I had many questions from people when I began what the communication part meant. I now know—it means business. This is a design and business course. In this semester, I am finishing a few classes about being an entrepreneur. I have and am searching for funding options. I am writing a market analysis. I have written sales pitches. I have used the terms 'customer' and 'user' far more than I thought I ever would. There is the design part of it all and that has been fun and challenging, but it's the easier part of it all. Business is not my thing. These types of things do not align to how my brain easily functions. But this challenge—it's an opportunity. It is a door being opened to me. It is an invitation from our creator to be take a spark, an idea, a hope He's placed in me to and make it more than just course work. SOOOOOOOOO MUCH MORE!

I am part of a church here in Northern Ireland called Causeway Coast Vineyard, and it's a wonderful community that really embraces this idea that we are God's Trusted Rulers. We are people chosen to carry the message of God into all areas of life- our jobs, our homes, our schooling— any place we go. In the evenings, once a month they've began a gathering called Sacred Space for 20s/30s and it has the on-going theme of How Can I Change The World? Back in February when then first one occurred, I sat listening to the speaker talk about politics and affecting the outcome of our cities with the decisions we make at the polls and through initiatives we follow or ignore. I was really intrigued and my brain was working overtime. How can I change my world? How? My course work was on the forefront of my mind. I began praying about it during that service, and then I overwhelmingly sensed God as he began speaking to me. What He spoke was that the work I was completing, yeah, it wasn't going to be just course work, but a project His hand is on. It's something He has put in me. He showed me, it is among the reasons I'm in Northern Ireland in this program I didn't know much about and in this community of Coleraine. And, it's only beginning. I left Sacred Space that night, excited and scared. I knew I needed to begin talking and sharing about the work I was doing.

The project I am working on is called The Community Hope Project, and it is an interactive website that holds the premise that a city can be changed and transformed through Hope. It works on the idea that when people participate in simple actions of storytelling, service, and appreciation, the face of city will begin to reflect a hopefulness that can then change economies, schools, neighborhoods, friendships and more. The support of the project is that when we place value on the hope we carry as a community, the hope will begin to reflect back to us, and the whole dynamic of a community can change. The project begins as a website that bridges the people of the community—the organizations and the individuals. It is a gathering place where stories of hope and inspiration can be shared in written or photographic form. It hosts a database of community organizations throughout Coleraine, listing their contact information and descriptions. The site will offer a listing of volunteer opportunities. These opportunities will satisfy the needs of the organizations but also allow the volunteers to be involved where they have more interest and feel they can make a stronger contribution. Finally, the site includes a place were you can simply say thank you to a community organization or another person, just because they’ve done something good for you.

I have gotten many questions on why I am doing this project. Why complete an entire masters course on Hope? At first I it was hard to answer that. It was just something I was so drawn to. I could not think of another topic that was going to keep my interest for an entire year, but the words 'Community' and 'Hope' rang in my thoughts all the time. These words were the only thing I could begin to think about. At the time the course was beginning, Hope was what I was clinging to myself, and I needed help to find it.

When I moved into Coleraine, as I often do in a new place, I went out and explored. I saw that Coleraine is an incredible community, and one that has a lot to give. But in my experience coming to Coleraine, there were and are people who don't see that value.

I feel that in that night at Sacred Space, God was telling me that the value of this town, the outlying areas, and all of Northern Ireland need to be shown and told what that value can be, but it needs to be from the voices of all who are here.

My project, until that night in February, was a case study– something I did not think would go further than September of this year. But as a believer, as one who sees and know the Hope of God— how could I talk about Hope, how could I study it, and research its affects, and purpose ways to spread hope in a community, but then drop it? I can't.

With my teachers at the uni, I began talking about it the project as something I was going to make a real go at instead of a case study. I was basically told that they'd been waiting for me to say that. It had potential that could not just be left at the end of the program. I shared the project with a few of the Pastors at the church, and as encouragers of trusted rulers, they have given so much support. They have prayed for me and they have motivated me. They have also introduced me to key figures of who could help me make this go further. I have shared this with my family. They needed to hear about these thoughts and plans before I announced it to the world, but they too are supportive.

I am excited to say that I'm trying to make The Community Hope Project a live program. I'm not sure how it's going to happen– be it an initiative through the Coleraine Borough Council or a non-profit organization. However, to make it a live thing, it changes my plans for after school is complete. I have felt that school was the beginning of my time here and that there would be more, and maybe this is it. My actions are moving towards staying in Northern Ireland to see what God is going to do with this project. It will take skill, it will take money, and it will take many other people.

It’s been a struggle to wrap my head around it all. My human nature says I am not qualified, but My Saviour says I am. The course has taught me skills I would not have had before and it's equipping me. If I had known about the business aspect of this course I wouldn't have been in this program. Nevertheless, the path God has sets us on is only fully seen when we look back isn't it? He brought me thus far.

Since this shift in February, I have had a strong purpose and drive in this project, and I'm seeing so much favor on it. It makes me want to go higher, push further, and walk blindly, because it's under control.

So what's next:
I finish the semester this week, but I'll continue with the programming and the research of the site. I will continue to look for funding. I will begin a process for my next visa. I look for other people to get involved, which seems to happen. I will complete semester three.

In the last few weeks, I have searched for funding, and been pointed in a couple of strong directions. And I'm trying to follow through with them. One I sent an inquiry to, they wanted to hear more, and wanted to know how much money I would need. Their award limit was £5,000 and I have asked for that. It will not be enough for it all, but it's a start. That was a nerve-racking moment pressing send on that email as £5,000 is a lot. A LOT.

Another direction is the Coleraine Borough Council- the governing body of the town. This coming Tuesday, I've been invited to a meeting with them, to present my project. This is a huge step.

I need your prayers for this project. On Tuesday, I need prayers for wisdom, eloquence of words, and ease of nerves.

This has been a really long post, so thank you for your attention if you've made it this far. I so appreciate the thoughts and kind words I've received as there's been a quiet period from me. Things are slowing down for a short bit before another crazy period. I hope in that time of the next few weeks to post more about the travels I've done, and will be doing and just about some other things that are happening with me. Please as always, send me updates on you. I love to hear how things are in your lives, and how I can be praying for you. Selah.

If you want to see the background work on my project, smaller glimpses of the thoughts and processes I’ve been going through, have a look at the uni blog I’ve been keeping.
http://kmilburn-mdes.blogspot.com

Thoughts by the fire

"It requires patience lighting a fire. Your think it's going to easily light, but it doesn't. Then when you given up, it catches and none of your efforts made it catch. Literal and a metaphorical lesson tonight for me"

This is the status I wrote on Facebook, Sunday February 12, after I built the fire pictured above. That night, as stated, I was learning some lessons. Even then I wanted to write this blog, but tonight after building another fire there is more to be added to my thoughts. Another lesson learned, or should be learned.

Sunday afternoon was chilly and I had some time to be at home and relax and enjoy my time, so I thought I would build a fire. We had some logs, some coal, some newspapers, but no real kindling. My housemates had tried starting a fire a couple of times in the week or two prior and the flame never really caught so they'd given up. I was determined to not have their same fate. I began fiddling with it all. The flame caught easily on the paper, but the wood was not so cooperative. All of my time for relaxing was quickly being swept away as I tried and tried to get it to light, so I basically gave up. There were some embers burning, but it seemed unlikely that it was going to go anywhere, so I sat back on the couch with my coffee and my book and let my attention go elsewhere. A crackle caught my attention again about ten minutes later. When I looked up, the logs had finally caught flame. I was so happy and I just sat watching it and wondering how in the world did it finally catch. Did it get hot enough? Was there the right amount of air getting in? Was the coal/paper/wood ratio right? Then I realized it was none of my efforts. Ok, I'd lit a match (or 15), and it began something, but it didn't really make it catch. A perfect moment, an ideal situation, an accurate ratio was not something I was able to create on my own.

Again I sat back on the couch. This time, my mind went to analogy of love being a flame. I sometimes think love should start easily, though history has proved me wrong time and time again. I can light some matches, I can stir around the flames, but sometimes nothing I do is going to effectively start a flame.

Then there is tonight's lesson. I came home from seeing a movie. It's Valentine's Day and I thought all my housemates were gone for the evening having their celebrations. Again, I wanted to settle into a night of comfort in front of the fire and enjoy the night. I worked at lighting up a fire, and it was easier this time. It actually took quickly. I ran upstairs to grab something, and about as soon as I was back downstairs, a housemate walked in. She didn't walk in alone either. No, her boyfriend who has been away at uni in England surprise her and flew home for Valentines. Our home has only two communal rooms, the kitchen and the living room and you can guess which is the more comfortable one and where the fire is located. Truthfully, I wanted to be greedy and sit in with the fire that I just built. I could have said they could join me in the living room, but hello, it's Valentine's Day- not my idea, or theirs, of a fun time. I grabbed my things and gave them the room. Sometimes a fire can easily be made, but it's not in the right time or space.

The last year and a half has been a roller coaster for me in the area of love. Shoot, the last 8 weeks have been a tornado! I'm in this battle of long burning embers of feelings lit in me and new sparks. 
I've tried and tried to build something but kindling is missing. It doesn't make it an impossibility but through my own power it won't be lighting up. Then there are fires that others have tried to start for me.  If a song could be chosen to be the soundtrack for the last 8 weeks it would be Matchmaker from Fiddler on the roof, for all the connections people have tried to create for me) Some matches seem plausible, but it doesn't seem the time or place.

I've spent a lot of time praying over this metaphorical flame and I just keep coming back to a passage in Psalms 37.

 ³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
   dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Delight yourself in the LORD
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.
 ⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
   trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
   the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
 ⁷ Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him

This flame will light one day, and it will burn far brighter than I would have imagined.

Write down the revelation

Habakkuk 2:1-3 NIV

¹I will stand at my watch
   and station myself on the ramparts;
I will look to see what he will say to me,
   and what answer I am to give to this complaint.^[a]

The LORD’s Answer

 ² Then the LORD replied:   “Write down the revelation
   and make it plain on tablets
   so that a herald^[b] may run with it.
³ For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
   it speaks of the end
   and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
   it^[c] will certainly come and will not delay.

I was struck by this passage this morning. In the three verses, there is so much that speaks this morning.

Write down the revelation and make it plain on the tablets so that a herald may run with it.  

Write the revelation down. This makes me think of how people say to write down your dreams and then watch them happen, as if putting them in writing make something actually happen. I think it's true. When you write things down you give something a voice. Something becomes a bit more solid and more thought out perhaps. The thoughts, even if it's on a sticky note that gets folded up and shoved in a drawer, one day comes around again. A parent’s journal may get leafed through years down the road by a child or grandchild where they discover what made the parent who they were. Tablets with inscriptions get uncovered in archaeological digs that show us more insight to the ancient world.

Can you imagine journals or diaries being thrown away? Entries written, the book filled up, then thrown away with not even a moment taken to read past entries before discarding them. This is what I used to do and now partially wish I'd never done. My thoughts were that they were filled with hurt and pain that I didn't want to relive. I still believe it true that the time period covered in those discard journals was a painful time, but I now know they've been covered by grace and mercy. I’m able to look back with gladness to where I've come from and who God has made me to be because of and in spite of the pain. 

Write down the revelation. I am one who often writes in a journal and my habit has changed. I keep the journals. I pour over them on a regular basis. It's part of my dialogue between God, and myself, and it is something I find so helpful. It allows me to work out emotions and thoughts on paper that just need to escape my head. Reading through them I see where my ancient ruins are and where there was beauty in that.

Some ideas make it from my journal to this blog. I began this blog as a way to chronicle my time in Northern Ireland away from my home and all who was familiar to me. It was a way that people could know some of what was happening in my life while I was here. I think my intentions were to share a bit more of the simple things: I went on a walk here, I met a person with an interesting accent there, school is proving to be _____... and the list goes on. Those are things I have been sharing that, but if you've read any of the blogs it's not the flavor of them all. The blog has become sort of my journal of thoughts and revelations of how God is transforming me and challenging me. I want to write it down and share it, because I can't seem to work it out sometimes when it's only in my head. Sometimes things are disjointed. Ok, honestly, they're often disjointed. I don't claim to be a theologian or historian. I just try to walk daily with God and listen to what He is saying. And then I want to share it, because isn't that what we are called to? When we feel the love of Christ pouring into us, aren't we supposed to share it with others?

There is also a part of the above verse that says so that a herald may run with it. A herald is a person who reads what's written. My words, my thoughts, get written here and I do come back to them. However blogs aren’t meant for the writer. Once a post is up, I don't know who all reads them or how the find it. A few unexpected readers have told me that they have, and I can only think that it is God's hand doing that. My incomplete thoughts, mediocre grammar, and hopeful seeking are tools I get to put to use. Let people read and run with it. I hope it’s something to learn from, question, discuss.

For the revelation awaits an appointed time.

I write this blog, because I am learning from God. And I am waiting on God. I've said it loads of times. There is something big He's doing in me and that it is why I am in Northern Ireland. He clearly called me here, but now that I’m here it is time to wait. Changes are happening, slowly. I write what changes I see. Look at the way The Message write part of this passage:

This vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming. It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait!

It describes it as an ache. Yeah, that sounds about right. Sometimes it has felt like a physical ache to know what God is doing, to know what his vision is pointing to. I’ve never thought about how it might be an ache for God to fulfill his promises for us. 

Wait for it

The end of that passage reads "Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay." Two concepts that are complete opposites are in that phrase- linger and will not delay- is hard sometimes for me to reconcile. It's not hard to reconcile for the Lord. Where we see linger, he sees will not delay. 

He will continue to show me His way as I seek for it. I will keep waiting. I will keep writing. I will trust. 

My prayer for this comes from a book I am reading on Waiting, the same that highlighted this verse.

Lord, when you give a definite promise, or confirm that one of our most potent dreams will come to pass, it's really hard when nothing appears to happen. Help us neither lose sight of your promise nor obsess about it. That's a big ask, Lord- we're only human! And we don't see everything clearly — for example that we're maturing in the process or that you want us to complete something now that we won't be able to do then. Be with us in the waiting. Help us to enjoy all the good things that life offers in the meanwhile. Help us to listen to you, day by day, in the little things — and then help us to do what you say. Waiting- Reflections, Stories and prayers, by Chris Leonard

found image on http://www.lylaandblu.com/post/16645732793-

When we think dreams die and desires disappear - part 4

It was such a busy week and in so many ways I wanted to write this blog instead of do my work. The thoughts that are going to be spilling out have been really overwhelming to me this week.  In so many ways I don't want to write this blog either. The thoughts that are going to be spilling out are sometimes some of the most painful I have.

10 days ago I wrote: "At that small group, immediately I began thinking of desires I had once had and had shelved because they seemed to crazy, or too unattainable, but none-the-less things I deeply longed for, or still long for. And in these last couple of week I've realized that there is many things I've forgotten about, and/or intentionally abandoned that God's not finished with yet. It's time to get vulnerable again in the coming posts. I'm going to explore school, location, love and maybe more. Keep watching and reading and praying."

So if you've kept track you should know that this post, based on that list, is about love.

This is where I see my situation. In my hands I once held this amazing box that was brilliantly colored and shiny. All I wanted to do was open it but it wasn't the time, so it went on a shelf for safekeeping. I'd see it everyday but I'd know it wasn't the time for opening it. It would move shelves for a higher place of honor. It deserved more respect.  A couple of times, the world would get shaken, and the box started to fall off the shelf and I'd catch it. In these times I'd think that maybe since it was falling, I should just open it. What would it hurt? I started to pull back the corner but then realized, no it's not time. After a couple of times of it falling it went back on a shelf, but this time it was a shelf where I wouldn't have to see it. That didn't work. I knew the brilliant box was on that hidden shelf. So I brought it out and put it on a visible shelf and I told people it was there, but that I needed them to keep me from it. I needed them to guide me, and pray for me that when it was time to open the box I would really be ready. The shiny box was on the highest shelf of honor. It wasn't forgotten, but I had peace that it was there. I was finally ok that it had sat on the shelf unopened for so many years.

Then I came home one day and the box wasn't on the shelf any more. My Abba had taken it down and set it on the table with a note. "Katie, it's coming time to open this soon. Keep waiting on me though, ok. Love you!" My Abba had told many people too that He'd taken it down and it was almost time. He told them to pray for me, to encourage me, to knock sense into me. I was excited that the box had come down. I was excited that people knew it had too. But I still haven't been able to open it.

The metaphorical box is a romantic relationship, but it's more than dating. I've known it is more than just dating, it's marriage and I've known it for a while. God's told me that many times over the last year and I wrote about those experiences before.

Like I said, I had peace that box was on the shelf. I found myself at peace with my singleness for the most part.

Now I walk in anticipation that has it's highs and lows. Others are walking in anticipation with me. Sometimes there is peace, sometimes not. My Abba had told lots of people (approximately 40), that he's been working on someone for me. I get emails and phone calls asking what's happening in my love life.  I've been very encouraged by it and I suppose I also feel pressure. The other desires that I've written about last week, were all things that would be nice-to-have things, but seemed perhaps unrealistic. This is a far more realistic desire. It's a desire that cuts into my heart far deeper than any of the others and one that I didn't want to expose.

I've written all of these posts about desires that God is working on and I've had great excitement in them. I mean, gosh, I wrote 4 posts in 4 days! My love life is a topic I added to the list in part one of this series, because I knew I could not write about desires without this being part of it.

In the last few weeks I sense that a shift has begun in my love life. What direction that shift is taking... hahahaha? Ya, I don't know for sure, but I feel like the symphony is about to begin. God has really spoken to me about the identifying qualities of the person through prayer, through dreams, through other people. Every bit brings the puzzle into more clarity. Constant doubt fills me and nags at me. But constant joy, strength and reassurance also comes flooding in.

Journaling has always been a big thing for me. I have pages and pages filled with names and dates, times and places, dreams and sermons that God has used specifically to tell me that he's preparing me for more than just dating. When I have doubts that this dream of marriage is ever going to happen, God gives me another event to add to that journal. One of my favorites was on a Wednesday night shortly before I left Arizona. I had been asked about my current happenings with my love life and I was a bit discouraged. When I got in my car I heard a song by Kristian Stanfill called "Always". The chorus of the song says, "Oh my God he will not delay. My refuge and strength always. I will not fear. His promise is true, My God will come through always... I lift my eyes up. My help comes from the Lord." Hearing the song I knew God was speaking and he said to lift my eyes. When I did, literally, the car ahead of me read "SPEEDY_____" on the license plate (there was a name in the blank).

I've spoken to several people about what relationships look like here in Coleraine, and it's a different thing than home. Coleraine is a really small place, and everyone is aware to some degree of social engagements. You can't walk into any restaurant or coffee shop with out seeing a familiar face. So when relationships begin or end, it's known. It frightens me to a degree, the publicness of it all. I suppose though, the way my love life became so public in the first place I should be used to it and maybe that I should just expect it.

I continue to pray about this desire of mine because it's not yet fulfilled. The longing runs deep and wide. I am trying to surround myself with married people to ask questions. Their guidance is something I crave. Now is the time to start learning the art of being a wife. Daily, I am in prayer for this still unknown husband of mine. I am very excited about it.

On the night that inspired these series of posts, there was ministry time mixed with worship. If you've known me at all you'll know that height is a big issue for me. It's on my list of things a potential mate needs to have because I want to be able to look evenly or upward into their eyes. During this ministry time, someone had a word from God saying. "Height is important to you because you want to look into the eyes of the one you love. Look up now into the eyes of you first love. I am here. Have confidence to trust me." It's another reminder to the fact that God's working in me, but that He's my first love. He wants to give us good gifts, and he is the first one. He is the first and the best gift– one that has long been off the shelf. Amen for that!