Generosity – Part 1

I have tapped the keys of my keyboard here for several minutes, and I have spent many minutes, hours, days thinking over what I want to write here. The word generosity—the meaning it holds, the action it requires, the freedom and the pain it brings— has enraptured my thoughts of recent.

Generous/generosity is not an uncommon word though it may not be everyday we hear it spoken. Chances are, the meaning of it is not lost on you. But to clarify this is the meaning, taken from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.

Generous

a : characterized by a noble or forbearing spirit
b : liberal in giving
c : marked by abundance or ample proportions

I’ve been in Encounter School of Mission, and we often talked about generosity of our time and our prayers. Our pastor has done a sermon series on generosity. I have been exposed to the generosity of others support for me to be in Northern Ireland. I hear it all around me.

Possibly a month ago, in my email, or Facebook newsfeed, I was alerted to an offer of an audiobook that could be downloaded. I saw it had ‘generous’ in the title, and I decided I needed to get it. Not only was generous in the title, but it read excessive generosity. What?!? Excessive? The book, More or Less: Choosing to Live a Lifestyle of Excessive Generosity written by Jeff Shinabarger is about a man’s exploration into generosity and how through many social experiments of his friends, his wife, and he himself found that we live in access and abundance. And in that excess we can change the world by being generous with it. I cannot recommend this book more. I listened to it in a day or two, and have played the chapters over and over again.

I am thinking that one post on generosity is not enough to get my thoughts out properly. If I tried, it would be a novel, so I’ll spare you and break it into bit size pieces. More or less, has challenged my thinking chapter by chapter. It breaks down what we think is ‘enough’ in areas of time, food, clothing, convenience. On more than one occasion, I was chomping at the bit to clear out my room, to give things away, to find where I have excess. And then seconds later, I see that I am in a place of need as well. I found a brokenness and weakness in me where I know I utterly depend on the generosity of others. Some of the levels of need recently have been more than I’ve ever experienced in life—that’s a painful reality.

There are a lot of things I have and want. There are a lot of things I have done. There are a lot places I've visited. There are many books I have read. There are many conveniences in my life. There are many friends in my life. I could keep going. For all that I have, there is an equal amount of what I have not. But all in all, there is abundance.

Out of my abundance, I am seeing opportunity for moments to change the world. Out of my need it shifts my perspective to understand those who’ve been in my place.

I can’t guarantee you’ll find a radical mind shift too towards generosity. Read this book. Listen to the sermon series. Or don’t. But I ask you to be willing to ask and be asked the question, where is there excess that you can live and give from?

Doing What I Am Meant To Do

Tuesday night I crawled into bed and it was almost midnight.  I had left my house about 8:45am to go to Encounter for my normal scheduled teaching session. We always know that Encounter can be unpredictable and anything can happen, but when I left to go there in the morning, I didn't expect to not come home from it until past 11pm. The day was one of the best I've had in a long time. Now, it is a few days later and I am still reeling. I feel like my lungs were filled with a fresh new air. Every part of the day I felt I was doing what I was and am meant to be doing.

I started by going to CCV for Encounter. Encounter School of Mission is a course I began last August and I believe it is one of the reasons that I was brought to Coleraine, Northern Ireland in the first place. The course is all about servant evangelism. We have a group teaching session on Tuesdays and then practical application on Thursdays. In the course, weekly we face huge risk of going into the streets to pray and minister to people. Some interaction is practical ways of washing windows, passing out muffins, and cleaning toilets, but we also ask God to direct us to people to pray with and when we find them we approach them, chat with them, and ask if we can pray and share God's love with them. Some days are great, and some are hard. The course has been a big catalyst for me in seeing God's love in such a new way. I've really grown to see and understand that what they Bible says we can do and should do (Luke 4:18-19, Matthew 28:19-20), we do really have the authority to do. I have seen people healed of crazy physical/emotional ailments; I've seen freedom come to those crushed by finances, depression or broken families. I have continuously gone into businesses to pray for them and when they were struggling financially in August are now experiencing a complete financial turn around.

A Dusting Off

I do not know if you are like me but when life gets cluttered I notice it everywhere—from the clothes on my floor, the mound of books tumbling off the shelf, the icons on my computer desktop, and the trash on the street—and I am pushed me into drastic measures. It begins the massive effort for “Katie’s World Clean-Up Day/Week/Month.” Yes, it does last months sometimes. I clean up and reorganize everything. I attempt to figure out better methods to handle my chaos. I toss out what is not important.  And then, I put away the things that are important, but not necessary at the moment. Unfortunately, there are instances that I have gone too extreme in “Katie’s World Clean-Up.” As I shift things around while cleaning up, some stuff is put away that should not have been put away in the first place. Have you ever put something on a shelf that was useful, important, or treasured, and then you forget where it went?  Well, it is time to dust off a lot of things I have put on a shelf for a while. This blog, Beautiful Chaos, is one of them. I shifted it out of my focus and I lost an important outlet.

Life got cluttered, my brain got cluttered, and I started cutting things away.  I took away the blog because I thought I could not handle the time it takes to write. Unknowingly, I also took away something that effectively uncluttered my brain. As I been away from Beautiful Chaos, more thoughts have piled up in my brain that I could not find an outlet for. Writing a blog provides me a way to do many things. With it I can talk about my travels, tell the stories of an American living in Northern Ireland. I am able to process what God is speaking to me and communicate it with others. With the blog I can share what inspires and challenges me. It allows me communicate with people from home when I can’t stay on top of replying to emails, Facebook or Skype. The blog also helps me develop skills as a writer. By taking it away from myself, I actually began to notice my head starting to explode with ideas that I could not quite get out other ways.

I have learned that I love words. I love stories. I love describing the wonder that is in my mind and hearing the wonder that is in other’s minds. I love learning the skills that God is calling out in me, especially when I thought they were the absolute last things He had planned for me. I never thought I would call myself a writer. I use the term very loosely for now. Much improvement could be made on what I do, but it is process I am embarking on once again.

A few months back, I was at a retreat with my Encounter School of Mission Team. We were at the end of a long night, but we were all huddled in groups praying for one another, and I clearly heard God speaking to me that the arts were mine to take. I have always loved the arts, focusing mostly on design and art, but music, writing and theater have always intrigued me. That not only is design and art an area that God wants to expand in my life, but writing and music are as well. He was speaking to me that the world I see—one that sometimes seems so fantasy like, unusual, beautiful, difficult, far-fetched, confusing, and inspired—is something that is the basis of the arts for me and I needed to start writing again. After I heard this from God, a friend who was praying for me said the same thing, she spoke “Katie, it’s time to take the pen and paper out again.” It was a confirmation to me.

Confirmation yes, but finding the courage to step into again was another thing. It has taken a few months to act on instructions and desire. I know I shoved this blog on the shelf when it was never meant to be.  I was wary of making mistakes, filling my time too much, and focusing on the wrong things. Yet, I keep coming back writing, thinking about it, feeling the urge to write, and hearing the prompting to do so. So here I am, finding myself finally searching my shelves for one of those lost items that are treasured to me. It’s coming down and being dusted off. There needs to be some oil added to make it work again, but it’s being restored. The knicks and scratches don’t take away from anything but add to the charm. I know I have a unique perspective on life, we all do. I see chaos, yet I also see beauty. It’s time for sharing in the clean up of my mind.

When we think dreams die and desires disappear - part 5

12 days ago I wrote: "At that small group, immediately I began thinking of desires I had once had and had shelved because they seemed to crazy, or too unattainable, but none-the-less things I deeply longed for, or still long for. And in these last couple of week I've realized that there is many things I've forgotten about, and/or intentionally abandoned that God's not finished with yet. It's time to get vulnerable again in the coming posts. I'm going to explore school, location, love and maybe more. Keep watching and reading and praying."

This is the maybe more...

It's really crazy laying your life before everyone and saying your doing it. There's something about speaking it that gives life to change. In this week, almost 2 weeks now, that I have been writing this blog series on dreams and desires, God continues to bless me and open my eyes to more and more things that he's helped me through over time. He's opening my eyes to the desires of my heart that he's giving me. He's shown me how he's given me hope and strength in so many situations that I discounted.

One day in my lifetime, I am going to call myself thin and believe it. I'm not there yet. But where I am, I can call myself beautiful and believe it and that is a huge testimony to God and his transforming power! He’d tell me "Daughter, I am enthralled with your beauty!" (Psalms 45). Even this though, was once a dream and a desire I wanted to believe and embrace—that God thought I was beautiful, that others thought that I was beautiful, that I thought I was beautiful, but it seemed like a dream that was way too unattainable.

If there's a subject close to my love life that is as uncomfortable to talk about, it's my weight. It is still far easier still to talk weight than love though. But it's easier because of the journey I've been on in the past 2 years. Two years ago I was tired. I was sick. I was depressed. My emotions were all over the board. And I was supposed to be in a wedding. I had had my measurements taken for the bridesmaid dress and I remember dreading the phone call to the store in CA where the dresses were being ordered. The call was almost as bad as I feared it would be. The amazing part was I was already 60lbs less then when I was at my heaviest

My desire from childhood was to be thin, but I wasn't. When I was eleven, I went was going to a summer camp. We had to go to the doctors and have a medical form completed for the camp. When I saw my weight on that form, it was the last time I looked at my weight until I was in college. Shattered could describe the feeling that consumed me.

Shatter is also what God wants to do with that image I have in my head of who I am.

Through out life, I actually didn't see myself as overweight. I knew I was but it didn't really click, and so it didn't register as I continued to go higher and higher on the scale. Then the summer between senior year of high school and the first year of college happened. When you graduate high school there are a lot of pictures. When you plan on going 3,000 miles away for school there are a lot of pictures. In those pictures I started to see who I had become, but I couldn't own up to it. Then I was in Southern California for school. SoCal Culture 101: skimpy clothes, beautiful people, and scrutinizing looks everywhere. I felt the pain of my situation

My sophomore year I owned up to it, and began losing weight. I maintained it mostly. But it started coming back. And I felt the desire was dying again.

But in my weakness after those measurements for the bridesmaid dress, the desire was sparked to life again. I heard God saying I need to get healthy, and that meant mind, body and spirit and the journey began.

I hate the fact that women and men (men are not exempt at all) live under such scrutiny of beauty and physical appearance. It destroys us all. We go to extremes because of it. But God wants to break us of those extremes.



In each of these pictures, I felt beautiful when it was being taken. Each picture was a moment where I had confidence to know that I was on the right path to being a better person. Each picture holds a triumph. The first picture was me in the wedding in Nov '10. The center picture was taken last summer at the Giant's Causeway of Northern Ireland (47 lbs. lighter than the wedding). The final picture was taken 2 days ago in Northern Ireland (50 lbs. lighter than the G.C). Buying that sweatshirt was a triumph. It was a medium! I've been wearing some medium shirts but sweatshirts— this was a first! They were out of the larges that I first looked for but instead of giving in and going to the XL next I went to the medium. I tried in on in the middle of the Student Union store where any person walking in could see me, so there was a risk of embarrassment if it didn't fit. I shouldn't have worried.

This isn't an easy road. I've been doing weight watchers for 2 years and it's hard being focused. It's hard getting past comments of you're loosing to much weight (do you hear what you're saying?). It's hard getting past the temptations, "You've been so good, and you can cheat a little today." It's been hard exercising. It's been hard getting over the mental hurdles. It's even harder throwing myself into a new country that measures food differently, where nutrition labels are different, and where pastries and sweet are so amazing! I live in a house where we share cooking the meals, and we split the groceries, so food choices are not always mine, again making it difficult. And I'll admit I've not been the best since moving here.

I've had some cool stories though since I've been here. One involves this awesome magenta coat. A new friend and I were chatting about shopping. I mentioned I'd gone into a store to figure out my size since they're slightly different here, and that I was looking for a winter coat. She had a couple that she was going to donate anyhow so offered them to me. If they fit I could have them. Looking at here I was thinking there's no way they would. Surprise, surprise! They did fit. Other stories were of a couple people not recognizing me because of my weight loss. It's little things that mean so much.

As I said though, as I have been writing this series, I've been amazed at what God is showing me little things. He keeps saying, "Hey, remember this one too!" My desire for becoming as beautiful in my mind as I am in God is another thing He has stirring in me. He's stirring a passion to share my story because there are people who need to hear it. I don't know who those people are, but they're out there. So even when I climb the stairs every day and see a full length mirror and sometime I want to say negative things, I have to remember that is not God's desire for me. Every time I look at my "Transformed" album on Facebook and go through the progress pictures I have, I need to hear God saying "Daughter, I'm enthralled by your beauty!"

Every bit of weight loss is a milestone now. AND, AND, AND!!! I am so happy to report that the number I saw on that medical form when I was eleven will be surpassed with another just 13 pounds. God is good and I want to be the best I can for him.

When we think dreams die and desires disappear - part 3

At that small group, immediately I began thinking of desires I had once had and had shelved because they seemed to crazy, or too unattainable, but none-the-less things I deeply longed for, or still long for. And in these last couple of week I've realized that there is many things I've forgotten about, and/or intentionally abandoned that God's not finished with yet. It's time to get vulnerable again in the coming posts. I'm going to explore school, location, love and maybe more. Keep watching and reading and praying. an excerpt from 2 days ago

I met one of my closest friends during my senior year and her junior year of college. She was a transfer student placed into an on-campus apartment with me at random.  It didn’t take long for us to build an awesome friendship. We had many things/interests in common- height (both of us are over 6ft), warm drinks, cute antique shops, foreign travel and military boys. You should have seen us when we realized we had the same shoe size. Finally! Someone we could share shoes with.  One of my favorite things that we share in common is our love to explore and she is one of the best people to go with.

One of our fav's in Coronado

In that year of living together we would often fill up some travel mugs with Hot Chocolate, hop in the car and head to some location, then we’d get out and walk. We’d find stores to browse and houses that we dreamed we could live in. Most of Coronado, CA has been put on our list under the category “Yes, Please.” Sometimes we knew that our talk was just talk, but we felt free to dream together about where we would one day be. It’s been 4 years now since we’ve lived even remotely close to one another, but now we still send pictures on Facebook saying, “You’d love this house,” “I have to bring you to this store when you visit,” or “I found the best pathway today that you’d love!” We know each other’s tastes and desires.

The newest send from Coleraine

Even as child, I would explore. In the hours between school and dinnertime, I would walk all over my town with no particular destination in mind. I would just imagine what was or what could be in the particular location. Yesterday I wrote how in the small town I grew up in, we’d joke that we would never get out. Even then I desired to see more, do more, and go more. And I believe God saw those desires and has blessed me with many of them.

It was along the Thames River, near the London Eye, that I sat one September day when I had an epiphany. Just the day or two before, I had flown to Europe for the first time, and was going to be there for the next four months. Culture shock had set in and I wanted to get on the next plane back to the States. But I sat there, and I thought about being in that small town that I never thought I’d leave, but I did. It was a progression of moves from small town New Hampshire to middle size town in the same state, to big city on the other side of the country, and now— now I was in London! I suddenly felt like I could do anything. So what did I do, I went exploring! Six hours, on foot, without a cell-phone, by myself, without telling anyone, I went exploring London.  I got lost in the joy of a new place, and found myself. After this I was sort of free to be me.

When we think dreams die and desires disappear - part 2

As I wrote yesterday, I've been wrestling with some thoughts that were brought to light at a small group. I'm taking a look at these in several posts because it's too much for one post alone. As I wrote yesterday...

At that small group, immediately I began thinking of desires I had once had and had shelved because they seemed to crazy, or too unattainable, but none-the-less things I deeply longed for, or still long for. And in these last couple of week I've realized that there are many things I've forgotten about, and/or intentionally abandoned that God's not finished with yet. It's time to get vulnerable again in the coming posts. I'm going to explore school, location, love and maybe more. Keep watching and reading and praying.

Today, school is the idea I'm exploring and sharing  about. I have always enjoyed school. I've liked learning new things and challenging myself in new ways. I've liked my teachers, and for the most part my fellow students. There are many different types of schools I've been a part of with such different types of learning.

I grew up in a really small town in New Hampshire, where there was only one school for all the kids in kindergarten through grade 8, all 250 of us. It was s GIGANTIC wasn't it! We joked that the school and town was so small that we were never going to escape it. Yet, it was in this school, because of the close knit feeling, that I felt a push to accelerate and really make something of life. Here, I was empowered to dream and to explore. Here, I fell in love with art and design. Here, I knew I wanted to be a designer.

I'm unique that I think my teachers influenced me far more than my friends. I wasn't afraid of my teachers per say, but I respected them and I wanted to do right by them. They wanted the best out of me, and I wanted to do that. Often, it looked like I was a teacher's pet. However, a desire was beginning in me that maybe one day, I would be a teacher.

I went to two high schools and the second one I was not a fan of. There were some great things that happened in these schools that I'm grateful for, but mainly I looked toward what was in the future.  I had begun to set my sights on Point Loma Nazarene University. My youth pastor had told us he'd gone there but he never really expanded much on it to anyone. However, one day he came up to me and said something like he thought I really needed to know about this school and I really should look into attending it. He thought that it was a place God was leading me. What he didn't know was that I already had been looking at it, and my heart was set to go there.

As he and his wife shared with me about the school and began praying with me about it. This was my first glimpse really, that God had a hand on the future and my pathway of life. Why would God tell someone else this and not me? And it seemed crazy! It was insane to go to a school 3,000 miles from home, when I came from small town USA. Yet, God knew the desires of my heart to see new places, to learn new things, and experience life-changing events.

Caf Lane @ PLNU

In the fall of 2001, I packed up and moved away from family and friends to sunny San Diego. I began my studies in Graphic Design and loved it. Again, I was being impacted by my teachers so much. They weren't just educators, but they were friends. They pushed and pushed both my work and my life. My desire to be a teacher grew more and was being refined. I wanted to be a college professor teaching design.

Going into my senior year I thought I was going to have to drop out of the university. The funding just wasn't there and things weren't working like they were supposed to. Yet I committed it to the Lord. He'd brought me here. He was going to keep his hand on everything. Amazingly, just days before school was scheduled to begin, I was told I could stay.

By the time I graduated, I had talked to enough people and explored my options and I had a plan for the future. I wanted to be a design professor later in life and I knew I would need a Master's degree to do so, but I didn't want to go straight into a masters program and I was advised not too. The given advice was: Go work first, get knowledge of the field, have an idea of what you want to learn, and then you go back to school. So my plan was work 3 years, apply to school and go back for the masters.

Life didn't work so easily. It never does. First, it took a couple of years to even find a job. So of course I didn't look for masters programs at all at first because I wanted the work experience. When I did begin looking, I realized art school for a masters program was so expensive and not possible. States schools often didn't have the programs I truly wanted. Then I moved and no longer had residency discounts so the programs available really weren't worth the money. It took about a year to accept it, but my dream for becoming a college professor and going to Grad school was something I abandoned. I intentionally told myself it wasn't going to happen. And I found peace in that.

Haha. God wasn't done with it though.

I spent my two weeks in Northern Ireland last summer, and I came back talking about it frequently. A friend of mine had know how much grad school had been on my heart, and what my struggle with it had been. She was also seeing how I was effected by Norn Iron. "Have you looked into schools in Northern Ireland?" No. It hadn't occurred to me. The desire was re-awoken. In an instant it was back.

Knowing how it was difficult to find programs in the state, it was going to be a real test to find one in Northern Ireland where there was only two large universities. "God, It's gonna be you that makes this happen." So I powered up the computer, started a search and bam- Masters in Design Communication at the University of Ulster.  I couldn't believe it. I applied and was accepted, and now I'm a student in the program.

But still it didn't stop there. Seriously. How quickly we forget things. As I was preparing for my arrival in Northern Ireland, and even up to two weeks ago, I would say that I don't feel like school is my only reason for being in Northern Ireland. And I still don't, but the desires of my heart that I had abandoned- God did not. I still had it in my head that it was a dead dream, though I'm living it.

As I sat in that small group two weeks ago, as the leader was talking about these desires God grants because he wants to make us happy, God was saying that grad school, that the program I'm in now, it's a gift he's given me. He didn't forget that I wanted it. Even though I'd given up on it, he knew it was something I really wanted. He wants me to be happy in this.

I'm frustrated in the program a bit, and I don't always want to give my all. (Honestly, I should be doing school work now and not be writing this blog) As my teachers before pushed me because they wanted the best out of me, God's asking that of me now. The verse I gave yesterday from Psalms 37, part of it was "Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this." Like when I was in PLNU and I thought things weren't going work out. I had to commit it to him. He didn't bring me this far for me to fail or to give up. He wants to give good gifts.

When we think dreams die and desires disappear - part 1

Have you ever expressed a desire for something? Yeah, we all have. Some of our desires are pretty crazy.

I remember as a child, in October, maybe even September, the Christmas catalogues from JCPenny's and Sears would be delivered. My brother and I would fight on who'd be the first to flip through it and mark it up with all the toys we wanted. By the time we finished there would be post it notes all over it marking our desires. I don't think I ever got any toy I ever marked in those catalogues, but man, there were things I desired badly.

Mine was a very similar color with a soft top.

And then I said when I got my first car, I wanted it to be a Geo Tracker. I loved the sporty, fun, mini size of this car. Yeah, I said that when I was 11 and had no idea of what kind of car I would really want when I could drive. At some point, I had given voice to that desire. I grew up and forgot about it. Then came the surprise. After my freshman year of college, I returned home from school in CA to see one, very purple, Geo Tracker sitting in the driveway. I was so confused. The car I recognized as one that had belonged to a family in our church, and I didn't know why they would have been at our home. When I asked about it, my mom said they weren't at our house. The car was no longer theirs. It was mine. What!? Somewhere in time I had said I wanted a geo tracker and my mother remembered it. and when the opportunity rose to buy the car at a good price, she got it because it was what I wanted. I couldn't believe she remembered and followed through so many years later.

I DID NOT fail

"You have failed to provide ..." I stopped at "You have failed." I thought I was going to be sick ...

Now go back in time with me ...

Last Sunday morning, I met with a young girl I mentor at Starbucks before we went to church. We were talking about life and God. As we made our way through many many topics, we sort of landed on struggles and about how Satan nags at us when or where we're at our weakest. It was funny how we hadn't yet gone over to church yet God was stirring. *Disclaimer- We need not be in a church to have God stir.* I knew I was facing some struggles. So was she. Apparently it was also on the heart of the youth pastor to that morning, though I didn't hear it, I was told he prepared a lesson about the armor of God and how to protect ourselves when Satan tries to attack us at our weakness. His lesson was based on Ephesians 6:10-17.

The Armor of God

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

The lesson continued on to Wednesday and will be a series for several weeks. This Wednesday though,  I was there and I was really struck by the activity we were doing. He was talking over the Belt of Truth from Ephesians. It is the truth of God that surrounds us, and hold us together. That it is His truth that allows us to move faster, stay secure, and hold more weapons to fight back the enemies.  The youth pastor handed us a sheet of paper with lists of God's truths found in the Bible. One side held a lists of "God is" and the other was a list of "I am".  See some examples:

God is

• He is faithful (deut. 7:9)
• He is my strength (Isa. 12:2)
• He is the All-sufficient one (2 Cor. 12:9)
• He is my Resting Place (Jer. 50:60)
• He is my peace ( (Eph. 2:14)

I am

• I am a child of promise (Gal. 3:14)
• I am an expression of life in Christ (Col. 3:4)
• I am God's workmanship (Eph. 2:10)
• I am a light in the world ( Mt. 5:14)
• I am chosen and appointed to bear fruit (Jn. 15:16)

We took this list and stood in two rows. One student was sent to walk between the rows and as they past each person we were to speak one of these truth to the passerby. Each person would take this walk until everyone had gone through.

When I walked through, no I couldn't hear every single person, but I heard enough. When you are bombarded hearing truths of our maker, our God, our love, it's hard to not sense some sort stirring of God. I walked through and felt like I was being armed. Those words were being driven deep. It was pretty incredible.

This week has been up and down. I am with in a month of leaving. Today actually is one month from when I board my plane to Northern Ireland. Yesterday was great. I felt happy. I was productive. My checklist was review and there wasn't much left that I really needed.

Today it seemed like I was kicked in the stomach. I had an email from the British Consulates office in New York- the office that has the decision power on whether I will be allowed into the United Kingdom for an extended period of time. The first sentence said " You have failed to provide...." and I read it just as You have FAILED!" There is paperwork that I was told I need not provide but I really did need to provide. It is paperwork I think I have. I hope so, because with what I think I had- off I went to the Post Office to overnight it to their office. If it's not right then....I'll deal with it as it comes.

But as I left my office and drove home to get the paperwork, I kept hearing. You failed. You failed.

Then it hit me. I was smacked in the head with list I'd been armed with earlier in the week. "I failed" was a lie and utter deception. God's truths were with me. The examples I chose above are the examples that were really in the forefront of my mind. They filled my mind when I heard a song come on the radio that said

"Every fear has no place at the sound of Your great name
The enemy he has to leave at the sound of Your great name."- Your Great Name, Natalie Grant

Fear has no place and the enemy has to leave at the sound of God's great name. Crazy stuff, but it's the truth. I decided there, God's name is going to be lifted today's struggle.  The enemy is not winning this!

Yes, there is a hiccup in the road. Yes , there are steps that I have taken and will need to take to provide what UK Border Agency needs. It's covered by grace though. God's asking me to follow and to be willing to forsake all else to seek him. The decision of the British Consulate's office isn't going to stop that. God's glory will shine in this. It already is.

I do ask for prayers for continued strength and endurance in this race. Pray for wise decisions and a clear course of action that needs to be taken in the coming days.

Two suitcases for Northern Ireland

This weekend I was tackling a massive project. Test packing for Ireland. I have a goal of only taking two checked bags with me when I go. Crazy right?! Well, no, not really. I'm really excited about paring down all that I have and keep to simple living while overseas.

So to take on this project, I had to go through my closet. I truly enjoy my closet. It was a selling point of my apartment when I was choosing it because it was a walk-in closet. It is essentially another room of my apartment with walls full of shelves and multiple hanging bars for clothes. The largest closet I ever had, my first walk-in, was immediately overflowing. Yet now, only one of three bars holds clothes, and that bar is not full.

I enlisted the help of my sister. She sat on the bed as I made several trips into and out of the closet. While I tried on at least 30 pieces of clothing she heard, "Do I take this or not?" Asking was not necessary to determine whether clothes were cute enough to take, but to see if the clothes were too big and needed to be donated to Goodwill.

You see, in January 2010, I began Weight Watchers (WW). I knew I needed to make a change in my own life. I committed to get healthier in spirit, mind, and body, and WW was one major step for the body. It's now almost 20 months later, I am nearing 90 pounds dropped, and I have 22 left until I've hit my goal. These 80+lbs. are a portion of the 130lbs. total I have dropped since college.

There have been naysayers along the way telling me, "You need to stop. You're going to waste away to nothing." Well if nothing is now a size 12 pant, then yes, I'll be nothing. I'll very proudly be nothing. Some people argue the other way and say I shouldn't go to Northern Ireland because I won't have WW. Sorry, your argument is null because, yes, they do. I'm still going.

As I folded each piece of clothing, I laid them in neat piles on my bed and very quickly, I realized that two suitcases was not just a goal. It was happening! My clothes were going to fit. It's not a smaller quantity of clothes, just smaller clothes!!! It does help that many of my cold weather clothes no longer fit and my hot weather clothes are going to be useless in the colder climate of Derry. (I anticipate at least a 40º if not more drop in temperature from when I board the plane in Phoenix to when I land in Belfast).

I cannot tell you how happy it was making me to pack everything up and seeing that two suitcases are going hold all of my clothes. I'm happy that I've eaten the best tasting food since beginning WW, than I have my entire life. I'm happy to know that I'm the strongest I've ever been, the smallest I've ever been, most confident I've every been. Most importantly, I am the most content at who God made me to be than I've ever been. Even if I stopped losing weight now, I would be content because I know I'm beautiful to him.

In my closet, there was one outfit that I've kept for many years. It's now all torn up and stained with bright paints. The t-shirt and jeans combo is a set I used to wear on a regular basis. They are just what I need to see where I've come from and where I won't return. The picture above is me now, standing in a single pant leg–both legs occupy what once was tight on one leg. This is the closest picture you are going to see of me at that size. I'm just not brave enough to post them yet.

Two suitcases to Ireland? All of my clothes fit.  Now where do I put everything else I need to bring...

One thing at a time.

You can only hold on to one thing at a time - the promise of God or disappointment. You'll have to drop one to embrace the other.
-Alan Scott, via Twitter

I just posted my last blog five minutes ago and then I read this. A wee bit convicting.

God will use anything, I'm convinced.

I haven't blogged in a bit. It's been a busy time. Honestly, it's been a rough time. The last two weeks, haven't been the best. Yesterday though, when I was super frustrated that I was in this cloud that absolutely wouldn't lift, God imposed his absolutely wonderful sense of humor. He's got a good way of doing that.

You know those friends we all have that, even when we want to pout, they do all that the can to make us smile. Those friends who will pull out jokes or antidotes that only you and they can fully understand, but will 100% lift your spirits. Yup, God pulled one of those out of his pocket for me yesterday.

The delivery of the antidote:

Sorry. I can't fully let you in on the secret...yet.

  And my response to God's humor:

Well, some people know the secret. They may be able to be bribed.

God made laughter. He creates hope. He restores joy. I can't not smile when I think of these posts.

I pray that if you're in a cloud too that can't be lifted, that a relief can be found. Perhaps in unusual places.

This week's reminder

Sparkling Water

I was reading early Monday morning about the Israelites approach to the Red Sea in their exodus from Egyptian rule. Here are thousands of people who just witnessed miracles upon miracles that have proven God's power. In a short time, they have seen more than some will in their entire lifetime. Yet there was sparkling waters ahead.

The sparkles on the waters are beautiful when you can enjoy it, when you can relish in the sound of the crashing waves, the mist spraying off the rocks, the breeze that takes hold of your soul. But to the Isrealites, I don't think the sparkles held this meaning. They, as well as Moses, were aware of the path they were traveling. It was a path towards their seemingly biggest challenge yet, a dead end at the sea's shoreline. If only I could hear the thoughts in Moses head and to hear the response of the Lord too, I would imagine them going like this,  "This is pure craziness God! (To you, but to me it's perfect!) You want me to lead these people (Yes.) to a place that has no exit? (Not an exit that you see, but yes. I do want you to do that.) Through narrow, dangerous passage ways (I'll hold you up) to the shore line? (Absolutely. I've got a surprise;) ) I'm trusting you on this Lord (good) because the other option is captivity and death (Keep trusting)." So the masses continued  toward the sparkling waters. Fully aware. Many angry. Many untrusting. But the God of wonders proved glorious! The waters parted and a way was made for the people to pass through.

Milestone Week

Ok. I've talked a lot about the changes that are happening in my heart and my locale (or the future locale). But these aren't the only big things I am tackling daily. I have been struggling with weight for my entire life, but in January 2010 I enrolled in Weight Watchers to begin a change. It's been an eye opening experience. It's VERY hard. There is temptation left and right. But perseverance is worth the effort.

A Journey Began.

Spring 2009
Count back about 2 years ago to a conversation with my friend Obie, the youth pastor with whom I've been serving with for some time now... "Hey, I met someone this week and I realized through Facebook that you know him. I'm thinking teaming with him (another youth pastor) and his teens and heading to Northern Ireland for a short term missions trip this summer. Would you be interested in coming?"

I'm only human.

To say you are just "human" doesn't mean you are capable of faults only. It means you are capable of truth, honor and nobility. To be human is to be created in the image of God, and truth, honor and nobility are his traits.

 

Striking thought! So I was sitting in a church service yesterday listening to a guest speaker, Nathaniel Dunigan, when he said this. Okay, well I have paraphrased his thought. But I can't get it out of my head.
 
In the past few months, I have felt challenged to live life beyond what I've known before- to move out of my comfort zone and into the world God has invited me into. As much as I am excited and wanting to do this, the temptation of fear and doubt sets in on occasion, and I feel that I can't go beyond a certain point. "I'm only human God!" I cry out, as it is my "Get Out of Jail Free" card. By somehow saying this God is going to say, "You're right, you don't have to do what I'm calling you to." Or saying I’m human, it allows me to freely hide behind what I think I cannot do.

Hiding behind what I think I cannot do. Yes. This is where I get stopped. I think I’m small, that I’m one person, that I make mistake. All are true. But with God it can’t stop there. I’m learning his plan goes so much further than what I know of it, or what I see of it. I think that my efforts won’t add up to much.

Back to Nathaniel. He was one man who went to Uganda and saw that there were orphanages, but none that catered to children with AIDS. He knew that he had to do something. He started AIDCHILD, a facility to help orphaned children with the disease. He was talking of a conversation with one of the children when he mentioned the quote from above. This child said, “ But I’m only human.” I don’t recall the exact reason the child said it. But I was caught by Nathaniel saying he discourages the children to say this with a negative connotation because it limits what and who God is and what he had made us to be.

I don’t want to limit my God and his power over me. I’m am made in His likeness. He’s beautiful which means I am. He’s truth, I have truth. He’s noble, I can be noble. He’s full of honor. I can bring honor in my life. Be imitators of God- Ephesians 5:1

I am not fully aware of what is happening in my life right now. But I know God’s working. Inside of me, there is a capability of doing something noble, something beyond myself. So when temptation comes to say, “I’m human,” a need will arise to evaluate if I’m acknowledging that I’m made in God’s likeness.