When we think dreams die and desires disappear - part 4

It was such a busy week and in so many ways I wanted to write this blog instead of do my work. The thoughts that are going to be spilling out have been really overwhelming to me this week.  In so many ways I don't want to write this blog either. The thoughts that are going to be spilling out are sometimes some of the most painful I have.

10 days ago I wrote: "At that small group, immediately I began thinking of desires I had once had and had shelved because they seemed to crazy, or too unattainable, but none-the-less things I deeply longed for, or still long for. And in these last couple of week I've realized that there is many things I've forgotten about, and/or intentionally abandoned that God's not finished with yet. It's time to get vulnerable again in the coming posts. I'm going to explore school, location, love and maybe more. Keep watching and reading and praying."

So if you've kept track you should know that this post, based on that list, is about love.

This is where I see my situation. In my hands I once held this amazing box that was brilliantly colored and shiny. All I wanted to do was open it but it wasn't the time, so it went on a shelf for safekeeping. I'd see it everyday but I'd know it wasn't the time for opening it. It would move shelves for a higher place of honor. It deserved more respect.  A couple of times, the world would get shaken, and the box started to fall off the shelf and I'd catch it. In these times I'd think that maybe since it was falling, I should just open it. What would it hurt? I started to pull back the corner but then realized, no it's not time. After a couple of times of it falling it went back on a shelf, but this time it was a shelf where I wouldn't have to see it. That didn't work. I knew the brilliant box was on that hidden shelf. So I brought it out and put it on a visible shelf and I told people it was there, but that I needed them to keep me from it. I needed them to guide me, and pray for me that when it was time to open the box I would really be ready. The shiny box was on the highest shelf of honor. It wasn't forgotten, but I had peace that it was there. I was finally ok that it had sat on the shelf unopened for so many years.

Then I came home one day and the box wasn't on the shelf any more. My Abba had taken it down and set it on the table with a note. "Katie, it's coming time to open this soon. Keep waiting on me though, ok. Love you!" My Abba had told many people too that He'd taken it down and it was almost time. He told them to pray for me, to encourage me, to knock sense into me. I was excited that the box had come down. I was excited that people knew it had too. But I still haven't been able to open it.

The metaphorical box is a romantic relationship, but it's more than dating. I've known it is more than just dating, it's marriage and I've known it for a while. God's told me that many times over the last year and I wrote about those experiences before.

Like I said, I had peace that box was on the shelf. I found myself at peace with my singleness for the most part.

Now I walk in anticipation that has it's highs and lows. Others are walking in anticipation with me. Sometimes there is peace, sometimes not. My Abba had told lots of people (approximately 40), that he's been working on someone for me. I get emails and phone calls asking what's happening in my love life.  I've been very encouraged by it and I suppose I also feel pressure. The other desires that I've written about last week, were all things that would be nice-to-have things, but seemed perhaps unrealistic. This is a far more realistic desire. It's a desire that cuts into my heart far deeper than any of the others and one that I didn't want to expose.

I've written all of these posts about desires that God is working on and I've had great excitement in them. I mean, gosh, I wrote 4 posts in 4 days! My love life is a topic I added to the list in part one of this series, because I knew I could not write about desires without this being part of it.

In the last few weeks I sense that a shift has begun in my love life. What direction that shift is taking... hahahaha? Ya, I don't know for sure, but I feel like the symphony is about to begin. God has really spoken to me about the identifying qualities of the person through prayer, through dreams, through other people. Every bit brings the puzzle into more clarity. Constant doubt fills me and nags at me. But constant joy, strength and reassurance also comes flooding in.

Journaling has always been a big thing for me. I have pages and pages filled with names and dates, times and places, dreams and sermons that God has used specifically to tell me that he's preparing me for more than just dating. When I have doubts that this dream of marriage is ever going to happen, God gives me another event to add to that journal. One of my favorites was on a Wednesday night shortly before I left Arizona. I had been asked about my current happenings with my love life and I was a bit discouraged. When I got in my car I heard a song by Kristian Stanfill called "Always". The chorus of the song says, "Oh my God he will not delay. My refuge and strength always. I will not fear. His promise is true, My God will come through always... I lift my eyes up. My help comes from the Lord." Hearing the song I knew God was speaking and he said to lift my eyes. When I did, literally, the car ahead of me read "SPEEDY_____" on the license plate (there was a name in the blank).

I've spoken to several people about what relationships look like here in Coleraine, and it's a different thing than home. Coleraine is a really small place, and everyone is aware to some degree of social engagements. You can't walk into any restaurant or coffee shop with out seeing a familiar face. So when relationships begin or end, it's known. It frightens me to a degree, the publicness of it all. I suppose though, the way my love life became so public in the first place I should be used to it and maybe that I should just expect it.

I continue to pray about this desire of mine because it's not yet fulfilled. The longing runs deep and wide. I am trying to surround myself with married people to ask questions. Their guidance is something I crave. Now is the time to start learning the art of being a wife. Daily, I am in prayer for this still unknown husband of mine. I am very excited about it.

On the night that inspired these series of posts, there was ministry time mixed with worship. If you've known me at all you'll know that height is a big issue for me. It's on my list of things a potential mate needs to have because I want to be able to look evenly or upward into their eyes. During this ministry time, someone had a word from God saying. "Height is important to you because you want to look into the eyes of the one you love. Look up now into the eyes of you first love. I am here. Have confidence to trust me." It's another reminder to the fact that God's working in me, but that He's my first love. He wants to give us good gifts, and he is the first one. He is the first and the best gift– one that has long been off the shelf. Amen for that!